Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Philadelphia is known for many things: the birthplace of liberty, a cracked bell, sports fans drunken and insane enough to throw snowballs at Santa Claus while climbing greased poles. And also the cheesesteak. The flavorful delicacy was invented in the City of Brotherly Love almost 100 years ago, and has been clogging arteries ever since.
Chuck steak. (Pat’s King of Steaks)Chuck steak. (Pat’s King of Steaks)
In South Philly, Pat’s King of Steaks and Geno’s Steaks sit across the street from one another, staring each other down like a meat-themed gang rivalry. The discussion over who has the best sandwich is one of the great debates among Philadelphians (the answer: neither – go to Jim’s on South Street). This week, however, there was a casualty, as the General Manager of Pat’s had a cheesesteak thrown at him after an irate customer called it “garbage.”
This is unfortunate, as it’s both assault with a delicious weapon and a waste of a perfectly mid cheesesteak. A customer who had just ordered hit GM Tom Francano in the face with his product. The sandwich thrower had bought a steak with whiz and onions, then returned to complain. It went from ‘wit whiz’ to being whizzed at Francano’s head, after the manager asked several other diners if they liked their food and they responded affirmatively.
The thrower in question appears to be an idiot. Most likely a very online one. Of course, cameras caught the whole thing from multiple angles. However, the guy also had a camera and a tripod and appeared to be filming it himself. So is he an influencer with $18 to blow on a cheesesteak to post on his oldguysgettinghitwithcheesteaks TikTok channel? Quite possibly, but the only thing he’s influencing us to do is to call him out on how stupid it is to throw food like a toddler. Another possible explanation is that he really likes Genos. Or perhaps he was emboldened by the guy who threw a Subway sandwich at a Customs and Border Protection officer last year and was acquitted. Unlike Pat’s, however, Subway sandwiches actually are garbage.
The police were called, took statements, and probably ate a few cheesesteaks too. Pat’s owner Frank Oliveri wants justice, stating that he may offer a $5,000 reward for info leading to the arrest, prosecution, and imprisonment of the thrower. We’re not sure if he’ll actually be prosecuted, but if he gets caught, it’ll probably be the result of a steakout, and they should throw the book at him. And by “book,” we mean a Pat’s cheesesteak so he knows how it feels coming from the other side.
