Buzz-ted: Woman Finds 50,000 Honeybees Behind Kid’s Bedroom Wall

Disclaimer: While this article is buzzing with sweet facts, it does also contain some stinging satire. So keep your EpiPen handy.

It’s not uncommon for a child to have a fear of monsters in their room—under the bed, in the closet, or dancing creepily at the window with a bathroom emergency. However, for Ashley Class’ toddler, the “monsters” she was hearing were actually real live honey bees that had been building up and making honey behind the walls over an 8-month period. All she had to protect herself was a water bottle her mom told her was “monster spray”, effective against certain groups of monsters, yes, but, shockingly, completely ineffective against flying insects.

After months of the toddler living in the midst of an unsweet hidden horror, her mom Ashley noticed bees swarming around the chimney of their 100-year-old farmhouse (good thing Santa Claus wasn’t comin’ to town) and called pest control. Breakfast with Buzz, the Honeynut Cheerio cereal mascot, would begin taking on a new sinister persona for Class’ terrified child. And the shock was felt on both sides of the wall.

– Queen Bee, Farmhouse Colony

The honey produced by this industrious colony is said to have weighed 100 pounds, which is more than the weight of Class’ own child. The damage caused is estimated to be around $20,000 out of pocket. If 100 pounds of honey fits into 200 8oz glass jars, and Ms. Class sells each jar for $10, how much money will Class earn to make her 38-pound toddler’s nightmares go away?

Answer: Nice Try. This math problem has no solutions for either party involved.

– Justin Bee-ber, Drone-Bee/Sex-Icon from the Farmhouse Colony

It looks like Ashley Class got a very early start on “The Birds and the Bees” talk with her young daughter. Heads up, kid: The birds are coming next year… but you have years yet to worry about the bats in the belfry.