Danish Zoo Offers Tax Deductions for Donating Your Pets To Be Eaten by Its Animals

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

In a development that surely won’t end in screaming children and a class-action lawsuit, Aalborg Zoo in Denmark has announced “Bring Your Own Prey Day.” Aalborg Zoo is asking the public to donate unwanted pets, including live rabbits, guinea pigs, chickens, and yes, even horses, so they can be humanely euthanized and served fresh to the zoo’s carnivores. The zoo’s spokesperson clarified that “no one is compelled to donate their childhood pets,” but then muttered something about “raptors remembering faces.” 

“We’re committed to mimicking the natural diet of our predators,” said a zookeeper while hand-feeding a Komodo Dragon a rabbit that used to answer to “CinnaBun.” The zookeeper, wearing a Jurassic Park t-shirt and holding what suspiciously looked like a kid’s My Little Pony leash, added, “It’s what nature intended. Sort of.”

The zoo’s Facebook post calmly explained: “Have a perfectly healthy pet you no longer want? Donate it to us, and then we’ll yeet it directly into a tiger’s gaping maw.” Not an actual translation from the original Danish, but spiritually accurate.

Meanwhile, rumors have it that in the paddocks behind the zoo, something big is stirring. “We had some leftover funding from a science grant and an unused CRISPR license,” explained an employee of the zoo who wished to remain anonymous due to his fictitious nature, while nervously eyeing a chain-link fence marked “DO NOT PET THE SHADOWS.” He declined to elaborate, but it might explain the zoo’s increased need for “large, live protein and lots of it.”

In addition to small prey, the zoo also accepts horses, which ideally should not be full of tranquilizers or recent emotional baggage. “Please ensure your equine sacrifice is in transportable condition,” their website says. Presumably, this means alive.

Denmark’s tax code allows donors to write off their sacrificed horses. Current wait times vary depending on season, zoo hunger levels, and whatever it takes to feed the Shadows.

Something’s happening out past the giraffes and just before the part of the zoo that smells like regret and liability waivers. Zoo officials say it’s an “innovative new enrichment habitat.” Emergency services refer to it as “Zone 7.” No one’s allowed back there without clearance, a fire extinguisher, and an odd little badge that simply reads: “You Saw Nothing.”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.