Emu Celebrates Independence Day by Escaping from a Farm in PA

Disclaimer: While this article is based on feathery facts, it does contain some sparks of satire.

It’s common knowledge that on the 4th of July, loud, celebratory firework explosions can be terrifying for cuddly creatures like dogs, cats, and Grandpas. For one Emu, however, who escaped her captivity at a Bucks County, PA, farm this past holiday, the jury’s still out as to whether she was scared, or just using American Independence from the British as a chance to assert her own freedom. 

Rosie Alfaro, one of the owners of Earth’s Best Organic Farm where the fugitive Emu was being kept and raised for her eggs, was shocked to learn that the 6 ft tall captive bird had kicked through a 7 ft tall deer fence enclosure. While those raising her may not have noticed the impressive escape, some of her neighbors surely did.

“She busted through that fence like the Kool-Aid Man!! So fricken awesome. I kept my pig-mouth shut cuz, honestly, I was rootin’ for her. I shoulda went with her cuz I know I’m definitely gonna be somebody’s feast soon, but my lil’ legs don’t move that fast.”

 Jeremy, a pig with short legs, fellow farm resident

Emus are endemic to Australia (shockingly not native to Pennsylvania) and cannot fly, but they can jump, kick very hard (with legs that are among the strongest in the animal kingdom) and run like hell (up to 30 mph). This bird was desperate to “fly” the coop, and authorities want to know why.

The prime theory is that fireworks “spooked” the 150-lb animal which is altogether plausible, as Emus have excellent eyesight and hearing, allowing them to detect far-away threats. What bigger threat than “bombs bursting in air”?

The question remains, however, whether there’s a male Emu living at the farm, as well. In order to lay eggs, the female would need a mate to court and be sexed down by, and a good Daddy to nurture the unhatched babes, as is the way for Emus. Infidelity is also their norm, though, and once the eggs are laid, the female goes on the prowl to get more sweet Emu lovin’ elsewhere. Some speculate that the fireworks were simply a cover for a little Emu Madison debauchery.

Beyond all of this, the fat of the large birds is often used to produce oil for products like cosmetics & supplements, and while this is not the case in Buck’s County, there’s no telling whether this Emu’s fear was actually that she’d be squeezed for her oil, in a foreign land, surrounded by annoying chickens.

The escaped Emu was recovered 24 hours after Shawshank-ing her way out, with an injured leg and a closed beak – “no comment” for the press. One of the many cats living at the farm, however, known as Shaman, had words to share while smoking an organic blade of grass and sunning by the cabbage garden.

“The land that bird’s from? Well, some people in Australia believe the sun was made by throwing an Emu’s egg into the sky. What I’m sayin’ is… she IS the firework, mannnn. We fear HER power. Diiiig.”

Shaman the Cat