Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Jody Kyle Jeane, 40, was booked into the parish jail April 1 on one count of forgery and one count of attempted theft after Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries agents concluded that the twelve-pound largemouth he had entered into the Toledo Bend Lake Association’s Lunker Bass Program came from a different lake than he initially claimed. He could receive a sentence of up to 10 years in jail for lying about where he caught a fish.

The fish at the center of the scandal. Swimming around Epstein Island. (animalia.bio)

Here’s some context, which won’t help any of this make sense, but will at least help explain what happened. The Lunker Bass Program awards free fiberglass replicas to anglers who catch and release bass of at least ten pounds, provided the catch occurred in Toledo Bend Lake and nowhere else on Earth. Participants must sign an affidavit certifying the fish’s jurisdiction of origin, a document the State of Louisiana apparently takes far more seriously than most white-collar crime in general.

On March 15, agents patrolling the Hickory Ridge launch encountered Jeane loading a boat and, according to the arrest report, volunteering to show them his catch — a personal best, he said, which he planned to have mounted. The next morning, the same fish appeared on the Lunker Bass Program’s social media feed, identified by its unique tail markings. Jeane himself was identified by unique markings from wearing the same shirt.

Forgery under Louisiana Revised Statute 14:72 carries up to ten years and a $5,000 fine. Attempted theft adds another six months and a thousand more. The replica, had it been awarded, would have cost the association roughly $400 and a roll of fiberglass resin. 

The Toledo Bend Lake Association has since announced that future entrants “may be subjected to a polygraph if deemed necessary,” a sentence the association insists it published without irony. Jeane was transferred from the Vernon Parish jail to Sabine Parish custody on April 1, where he will be held on charges that far exceed anything brought against anyone mentioned in the Epstein files.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.