Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
ORLANDO, Fla. — The Mako roller coaster at Sea World in Orlando has it all! Speeds of up to 73 miles per hour, a climb to 200 feet in the air, loops, and a duck. If you’re a thrill-seeker, nothing can be more exciting than a waterfowl smacking you in the face while riding it.
"It's not my fault, I said duck." – The ride operator, probably. (Sea World)
One woman, however, doesn’t see things that way. In fact, she didn’t see much of anything after the duck knocked her unconscious while on the coaster, and is now suing the theme park to try to Mako herself some money.
Hillary Martin is seeking $50,000 in a lawsuit filed recently, which is slightly less than what it costs for a family of four to go to Sea World after parking, meals, and the Quick Queue. The suit claims that she suffered “permanent injuries, disfigurement, and mental pain and suffering” in addition to having to pay medical bills.
The mental pain and suffering part makes the most sense. She’ll probably be triggered for the rest of her life every time she renews her insurance (if she has Aflac), goes to Wawa, or sits down for a turkey dinner at Thanksgiving. She may also start sobbing anytime someone says that they’ll bill her.
The suit claims that the amusement park operating the coaster near a body of water creates a “zone of danger” for bird strikes… and dammit, now that Kenny Loggins song is stuck in our head. It could be worse, though; we could have a duck stuck in our head. While the suit says that waterfowl are disoriented around the ride since it’s close to a body of water, the amusement park isn’t called Land World, so it’s not like coaster riders wouldn’t know that. Also, this appears to be the first fowl-related injury, as the park’s quarterly injury report doesn’t show any other bird-related traumas.
The duck was on its way to a Quacker Barrel. (Martin Correns/Creative Commons)
Whether Martin wins or loses the lawsuit, there’s one clear loser: the ducks. “Fly south, they said, nothing bad will happen there, and the weather’s great,” one duck commented. “Sure, there’s a bunch of amusement parks that have roller coasters, but it’s not like that Fabio thing would ever happen again, right? RIGHT? At least we don’t have to wait in line to get hit, but we’re always made out to be the bad guys, and we don’t deserve it. It’s an injustice, and I’m going to continue to cry fowl about it.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
