Freeloading Willy: Male Orcas Stay with Mom into Adulthood, Study Finds

Disclaimer: While this article is based on some killer facts, it does contain a dorsal fin or two of satire.

Killer whale sons stay with their mothers even as they grow up, a new study found, getting constant food scraps and being attached at the hip… or dorsal fin. Whether on land or sea, it turns out that it’s easier to mooch food from family and not worry about paying rent.

“This is a fascinating finding,” said one scientist, who is also a mother with an adult son living at home. “Most activity revolves around eating and doing nothing all day… Wait, were you asking about my adult son or the whales? It’s actually the same answer for both.”

This burden on orca mothers prevents them from having more children, scientists found, as they’re stuck having to provide and care for these beautiful, magnificent, deadbeat creatures of the sea. While male orcas stay close to their mom, female orcas grow up and start families of their own. But males don’t take on such responsibility as they grow, unless you consider snacking, frolicking, and “just takin’ it easy” as responsibilities, which most people don’t.

In an exclusive interview with an adult male orca, Gary, who lives with his mom, he explained his lifestyle and warned very clearly not to call him Shamu, even as a joke.

“I mostly watch videos all day on OrcaTube,” he said. “My favorites are movie reaction videos of people crapping on ‘Free Willy.’”

The male killer whale said he has tried looking for work but without much success. “It’s a jungle out there. Well, it’s an ocean, which is like a jungle full of water. Whoa, I just blew my mind. Maybe I should cut back on the medicinal algae.”

After taking a moment to gather himself, Gary continued: “The thing is, these days everyone wants to hire those stupid octopuses. That’s the big trend. They’re the avocado toast of the sea. It’s a bunch of whale crap.”

When asked to elaborate on his problem with octopuses (or “octopi,” both words are apparently correct), the mooching orca went off the deep end.

“Everyone loves octopuses, it’s ridiculous,” Gary said. “Meanwhile I’m an orca, I kill and eat great white sharks, understand? I’m a freaking badass. The whole thing blows… Am I coming across as angry? I’ll get a chance to edit this before it’s published, right?”

Gary said he didn’t know if he would try looking again for a job. “I kind of like eating leftovers and hanging out all day,” he said. “What can I say, I’m swimming my best life.”