Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
A grizzled patron recently tried to belly up to the bar at the Stuart, Florida, tiki bar Harlow’s Hideout, and was denied service. However, instead of the ACLU or the AARP stepping in to defend them, it was more like the ASPCA, as the customer trying to get in was an alligator.
You saw the sign: no shoes, no shirt, no service. (Facebook/StuartPoliceDepartment)
This was probably not even among the top 5 weird things to happen at Florida tiki bars that day. While it sounds like the result of asking AI and ChatGPT to write a Jimmy Buffett song, it actually happened, and everyone lived to tell the tale.
The gator was found behind a row of lounge chairs, which is generally the best place to find customers passed out at the end of the night at most tiki bars. Fortunately for humans, this happened during the afternoon, and the four-foot-long juvenile critter was sighted quickly. Perhaps even too quickly.
“I like an exotic-looking woman,” one barfly said. “Sure, she looked a little leathery, but who doesn’t in Florida? I complimented her on her toothy smile and the alligator bag she had with her, which, now that I think of it, looked a lot like the rest of her. I guess she likes men in uniform, though, since a bunch of cops showed up and ruined my chances once again. Bartender, get me another daiquiri, stat!”
Neither of these gators are the ones that tried to get in, but they probably will now. (Zygy/Creative Commons)
Gators are apparently native to the St. Lucie River, which is right next to Harlow’s Hideout, and presumably where the creature had come from. The cops took the gator “into custody” without incident, according to their Facebook page. We’re not sure if that means “dumped it back into the river” or if it’s being held downtown and being asked a lot of questions. We’re assuming the former, since gators are notoriously hard to get fingerprints from and even harder to get cuffs on.
“I was just looking for a bite to eat,” the dejected gator told Odd News. “I’ve heard good things about Harlow’s and was looking forward to chomping down on a lawyer or an aging party animal. They had some great tunes playing, I love salsa and meren-gator music! Plus, they had the Gators game on. I was all ready to order a mojito and some human, I mean, chicken fingers, and once again, the cops show up. I do feel discriminated against, though. No one can bring a gator into the joint, but half the crowd has Crocs on. What gives?”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
