“Get Your Own F&%king Cracker” Parrot up for Adoption Says

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

We’re of the opinion here at Odd News that wanting to own birds is a little, well, odd. Animals that were meant to fly probably shouldn’t be confined to a cage, unless we’re talking about actor Nicolas Cage; wacky hijinks and madcap antics would ensue, and that’s even before he meets the bird! If you were to become a bird owner, however, we’d hope that you’d want a parrot. What’s better than being able to teach a bird to repeat what you say and have it remember what you said for life? One thing is better, and that’s adopting one that speaks almost entirely in profanity.

If you were to guess what area a profane parrot would come from, after New York, you’d probably think somewhere within an hour of Boston, and you’d be right. Forever Paws in Fall River, MA, recently offered up Hendrix, a 20-year-old parrot, for adoption. Their owner surrendered the bird after 20 years, and likely should’ve done it sooner, as they’d fed it cereal, white bread, sunflower seeds, and animal crackers, which isn’t really a good diet for a human or a bird. That lack of proper nutrition left it “mostly naked,” as the shelter said, and pretty angry about it, based on their description of his vocabulary. 

“This bird’s language is not for the faint of heart,” the shelter said. “One day he will call you baby and the next day he’s calling you a… hmm, MFer, I guess is the politest way to type it out. He says thank you when you give him snacks, but will also tell you to shut up. He uses ‘what the hell?’ in the correct context.” The shelter offered him up for adoption, but not to anyone with an apartment, since he cursed loudly, or to anyone who had children, for the same reason. They also said that it yells slurs as well, because, well, New England.

We caught up with Hendrix, who told us he had every right to curse up a storm. “What the f**k was up with my stupid other owners?” he asked. “They fed me cereal. Just because Toucan Sam eats Froot Loops, Sonny the Cuckoo bird likes Cocoa Puffs, and a rooster is the Corn Flakes mascot, they must think I like that s**t. No f**king way. When I said ‘Polly wanna cracker,’ at no point did I specify animal crackers. And white bread? Come the f**k on. The least you can do is give me a good rye bread with caraway seeds. No wonder my feathers are falling the f**k out.”

The story appears to have a happy ending in that shelter stated that applications were closed, suggesting there was no shortage of people who wanted a bird that could go curse for curse with it. Hopefully, his feathers are slowly growing back as he’s eating food meant for birds. But also, hopefully, he’s still got a potty mouth. Now, excuse us while we option that Nicolas Cage/bird movie, which we’ve already titled, Uncaged.

This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.