Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

ETNA, Maine — A quiet evening of Netflix and chill turned into Netflix and bleat when Devon and her husband found themselves explaining to the county sheriff that the blood-curdling screams echoing down the railway tracks were not a human sacrifice, nor an avant-garde Björk album, but Simon, their Nigerian dwarf goat with lungs like Pavarotti and a flair for melodrama. 

"I didn't say 'Simon Says'!" (WABI)

“I was about 30% sure it was a human. The other 70% was hoping it wasn’t a clown,”

– Officer McSheriff (probably not his actual name)

The cries led him to Oak Shade Farm, where Devon and Greg Hawes were halfway through day three of a heated Settlers of Catan grudge match session when the knock came. Greg opened the door and instantly performed the time-honored ritual of holding up his hands and begging for his life.

“We introduced the officer to Simon,” Devon said. “He’s a one-year-old Nigerian dwarf goat with vocal cords forged in the fires of Mount Doom. He’s also an Aries.” Simon was reportedly unrepentant, chewing on the hem of Officer McSheriff’s uniform while bleating something that translated to “you ain’t seen baa-thing yet.”

The Haweses say they’ve tried everything to quiet Simon down: food, attention, even aromatherapy goat yoga. Yet he remains louder than a toddler with a kazoo at a funeral. Devon shrugged. “Apparently, he has a lot of thoughts about the geopolitical situation in Sudan.”

Look how cute they are as kids! Just 150 bucks a pop, apparently! (Prairie Wood Ranch)

Meanwhile, Simon has announced his candidacy for local office on the Goat Party platform, promising free salt licks, a ban on lawnmowers, and filing a trademark lawsuit on Tom Brady. He also claims to be the rightful heir to a vast Nigerian hay fortune, and if you’ll just give him your bank account, he’ll cut you in.

The sheriff, relieved to discover no actual human peril, gave Simon a stern warning to “keep it down” and went back to the station, where his colleagues immediately ticked “Haunted Goat” off the police scanner bingo card.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.