Nab Rabbit: Huge Bunny Rescued Along California Highway

Disclaimer: While this article is hopped up on facts, it’s also large on satire.

While many different animals can normally be spotted along American highways, it was a bit surprising when a very, very large rabbit was recently seen along a California road. The 26-pound bunny was a female Flemish Giant rabbit, and being that big, it was equal parts cute, adorable, creepy, and terrifying.

Construction workers first noticed the humongous hopper along Highway 17 in Santa Cruz. The California Highway Patrol was alerted, and officers retrieved the gentle bunny, giving it the creative nickname Bugs.

Bugs had some small injuries to her face and back of the neck, leading to the theory that she was captured by a predator but managed to break free. She was taken to a local veterinarian, then to a nearby rabbit rescue organization.

“I want to thank all of the officers and officials who helped me during this trying time,” the rabbit said in a statement released through a publicist. “I’m not thrilled about being called Bugs, it brings up bad memories of being teased as a child, but after lots of hard work in therapy I’ve moved past that and I can now accept such an unimaginative nickname.”

The rabbit’s statement continued, “The same therapy has made me okay with people discussing my size and weight. Our species is one of the few remaining safe havens for people to openly fat-shame, along with NBA stars Luka Dončić and Nikola Jokić.”

Bugs has already signed a lucrative book deal and will be making the talk show rounds in the coming weeks.

“Also, I know I’m Flemish, but where is that exactly? I can’t afford a DNA test right now, but I’m curious about my roots.”

– Part of Bugs’ statement released to the press

According to the internet, Flemish people come from the County of Flanders, spanning what are now parts of Belgium, France and the Netherlands. The current Flanders County is a portion of the original county, and is in Belgium, whose present-day population is about 60% Flemish. It is unclear if the word “phlegm” has any connection to the region, and if it does, I don’t want to know about it.

As for the Flemish Giant rabbit species, it also originated in Flanders County, and was first mentioned in records in the late 1800s, having come from mixing other rabbit breeds. They are known for being patient, docile and clean, and can even use a litter box. Such a large, mellow bunny is sure to give any lucky owner meaningful companionship, emotional connection, and the cutest nightmares they’ve ever had.