Officials Insist Crocodile-Infested River Is Completely Safe for Olympic Rowing Event

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

The Fitzroy River is older than Queensland, older than Australia, older than the names attached to any of it. It has swallowed cattle, dogs, and at least one car. In 2032, it will also decide who wins Olympic gold in rowing. Assuming anyone survives the attempt.

Queensland’s state Olympic minister, Tim Mander, confirmed Thursday that the 2032 Games rowing competition will remain on Rockhampton’s Fitzroy River, a tidal crocodile habitat 370 miles from the city hosting the Brisbane Olympics, and that officials are not considering alternatives. “We are committed to it,” he told reporters. “There’s no reason to be looking at alternatives when you have the level of confidence that we have.”

Fitzroy crocodiles are managed under Zone E, a classification in which the animals are left undisturbed unless they start eating things the state cares about, such as pets. Then their behavior is officially classified as “dangerous,” at which point a wildlife officer is dispatched to retrieve whatever is left of the dog. Officers logged 32 sightings in 2023. In 2017, they shot a 17-foot specimen. Mander expressed no concerns about how any of this might interfere with the proposed Olympic rowing event.

Five hundred rowers signed an open letter last month asking the state to pick literally anywhere else. Former Olympic rowing champion Drew Ginn noted that the river’s tidal currents could disadvantage athletes in certain lanes, a concern the minister addressed by not addressing it. A Moreton Bay course next to Brisbane is available at roughly half the cost and with far fewer apex predators. This has been determined to be beside the point.

The Games Independent Infrastructure and Coordination Authority approved the site during initial testing in October. A representative from World Rowing will visit Rockhampton in the coming weeks to decide whether to formally endorse a course where natural wildlife killed at least one pet last year. 

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.