Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
The animal rights organization PETA has sent a letter to Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant asking him to change his name to Robert Plant Wool for the duration of November, which is still less embarrassing than whatever Bono’s doing this week. When asked why, PETA cited a deep need to be seen doing something rather than nothing.
The only thing woolly about Plant is his flowing locks. (yakub88/depositphotos)
According to PETA, Plant Wool Month will celebrate “natural, plant-derived fibers.” According to everyone else, it will celebrate “meetings that could have been emails.” The campaign highlights “eco-friendly yarns,” perfect for anyone who’s ever looked at a sweater and thought, “this needs more guilt.”
According to the letter, PETA believes the move would “help the planet, the animals, and anyone who has ever felt personally victimized by a cardigan.” The organization adds that “it’s a simple way to raise awareness about sustainable, cruelty-free fabrics and also confuse millions of rock fans at once.”
The letter references Zeppelin’s “Kashmir,” noting that while the song remains a masterpiece, “cashmere” itself is less of one. PETA notes that while “Kashmir” is a classic, “cashmere” comes from screaming goats, which at least gives both goats and the entire genre of heavy metal new origin stories.
A spokesperson for PETA clarified that they’re not asking Plant to legally change his name. just to “lean into the bit.” The group also suggested he could use the temporary moniker on social media, merchandise, and possibly the side of a bus, depending on his tolerance for irony.
“It’s not about making fun of him,” PETA said. “It’s about making sure no one confuses wool with compassion.” Or, apparently, with common sense.
This was the least disturbing thing we could find on PETA's X account. You're welcome. (PETA/X)
Plant himself has not responded, possibly because he is busy trying to figure out whether this means he has to reissue Houses of the Holy as Condos of the Cruelty-Free.
If he agrees, November will officially mark the first time in rock history a frontman has been renamed by a nonprofit dedicated to discouraging sweaters.
Should Plant refuse, PETA plans to rename themselves “People for the Ethical Treatment of Wordplay.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
