Real Cops Called on Fake Iguana

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

It’s the stuffing of legends: police in British Columbia received a report of an iguana on the side of a highway, but it was just a stuffed animal. It turns out that Canadians are good at many things, but spotting lizards isn’t one of them.

When officers arrived to investigate and inspect the 4-foot real, live iguana, they quickly realized that it was a 4-foot fake, toy iguana. Tax dollars hard at work.

But the force had a sense of humor (or “humour”) about the incident when posting on social media, writing that “the officer noted that the stuffed animal appeared lifelike from a distance, but up close, its eyes just seemed to say ‘Iguana be your friend!’” The post added that the authorities should be contacted “if you are missing your stuffed lizard.”

At a packed press conference that included reporters from nearly every country in the world, a local official stated, “There is no indication of how the stuffed creature ended up on the side of the road. But it is likely that a precocious child, who is a prodigy in science and especially in identifying species of lizards, asked for a stuffed animal bearded dragon as a birthday gift. But the parents mistakenly bought the demanding offspring a stuffed toy iguana, which was understandable since it had been many years since they had learned about lizards in middle school.

“Why the parents chose to give the gift while driving on a highway will forever remain a mystery,” the official, who was clearly feeling very confident, continued. “But upon opening the well intentioned but misinformed gift, the child likely became enraged that it was the wrong animal and threw the iguana out of the moving car. While there are other possibilities for what happened, this is by far the most likely scenario.”

Every reporter at the press conference then asked in unison for evidence of this story. In response, the official slowly took a sip of coffee, politely said “thank you,” and then calmly walked away, far off into the vast Canadian landscape.

“I have to dispute the official account of what happened,” said a local man who watches a lot of true crime documentaries. “It’s clear to me that the stuffed animal, being especially large, was won at a carnival game. This is a top-shelf prize we’re talking about here. So I think police should be on the lookout for a child with exceptional accuracy and a knack for carnival games of all kinds. That’s really the only plausible explanation.”

This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.