Slow and Steady: Tortoise Rescued Trying to Cross Arizona Highway

Disclaimer: While this article is based on slow and steady facts, it also contains a shell of satire.

A tortoise was recently found and rescued as it was trying to cross a highway near Picacho, Arizona, between Tucson and Phoenix. The large sulcata tortoise, whose name is Stitch, had traveled about three miles from his home on an ostrich ranch. You might need to read that last sentence again to fully process it.

Workers at the ranch confirmed that a tortoise had escaped and were relieved that he was returned with no injuries. “Yeah, sounds like they were all real concerned,” said a sarcastic local man after seeing the story on the news. “Doesn’t sound like the tightest security if they managed to let a tortoise escape. And then it traveled three miles, which would be, what, a couple of years of tortoise travel? I guess they weren’t exactly sending out emergency search parties when they saw he was missing.”

“I wish I hadn’t been rescued,” Stitch the Tortoise told reporters. “That ostrich really creeps me out. I mean, have you seen what they look like? Yikes.”

The tortoise said another reason for fleeing was how annoying some ranch employees were. “One guy kept calling me a turtle,” Stitch said. “I couldn’t take it anymore. There’s only so much a tortoise can endure.”

Another worker got on Stitch’s nerves by calling him “Shel Silverstein.” “I was conflicted about that one,” Stitch recalled, “because I don’t like nicknames, but on the other hand, at least he knew who Shel Silverstein was.”

Stitch said there was another reason for the journey. “I really love the Olympics. I admit it, I’m not the fastest fella in the world, but I figured if I start now, I can make it to Los Angeles for the start of the 2028 Games. I guess now I’ll just have to watch it on TV like everybody else.”