Someone’s Painting Squirrels in Connecticut

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

A squirrel is a magnificent creature. Its cute fluffy tail, its indecision when you’re barreling towards it on the road, its ability to (sometimes) fly. Fascinating animals, all of them. If there’s one drawback, it’s that they only come in one color. Ever see a spotted or striped squirrel? How about a black or albino one? Sure, they probably exist, but not anywhere in America, where we’re pretty much stuck with the boring old brown ones. Perhaps that might be why someone in East Hartford, Connecticut, is going around painting them. 

So far, authorities have found a red squirrel and a blue one in the vicinity of Naubuc Avenue and High Street, which they think is where they were painted. Thankfully, neither of the squirrels is injured, although by looking at them, one appears very angry and the other extremely cold. It’s not clear whether authorities have restored the little guys to their natural bland colors. Also uncertain is whether there have been any more squirrels painted.

Odd News caught up with local drunk T.J. Benderman, who might have been responsible. “It’s Friday night in East Hartford, I’m going to go out and paint the squirrel red!” he exclaimed. When asked if he meant “paint the town red,” he replied, “town, squirrel, what’s the difference? I’m not coming back home until I blue all my squirrel.” When asked if he meant “blow all my money,” he vomited on our microphone. 

There are a few other possibilities as to how this whole thing happened in the first place. If there are any residents nearby named Morpheus, they are most likely offering someone the choice between a red squirrel and a blue squirrel. Or there could be a new Dr. Seuss-inspired book coming out, called One Squirrel, Two Squirrel, Red Squirrel, Blue Squirrel, for which they were filming the cover art when the rascals got away.

Perhaps a confused art student who got the wrong message when they were told to paint some animals for their next class. Or maybe it’s part of the upcoming election day cycle, with a Republican squirrel facing off against a Democratic one. We’re not sure which one we’d vote for, but “Make America Nuts Again” isn’t a particularly good slogan.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.