Today in Monkeys: Pair Smuggle Them in Underwear; Punch’s Enclosure Invaded

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Monkeys – they’re adorable when they’re young, and the next thing you know, they grow up and are climbing the Empire State Building. But for real, there’s nothing cuter than a newborn monkey, and perhaps there’s none more recognizable than Punch, the little guy that brought the whole world together earlier this year after he was born in a Japanese zoo and was rejected by his mother. Initially bonding with a stuffed monkey from IKEA (we said he was cute, not smart), he was eventually reintroduced to the rest of his troop. The internet approved, and there’s been a huge uptick in visitors to the zoo. However, two of them got closer than they should have. 

Two men were arrested after one of them climbed into Punch’s enclosure at the Ichikawa City Zoo while the other filmed. If you were to guess what country this dumb-namic duo was from, why would you say “America” and why would you be right? 24-year-old student Reid Jahnai Dayson and 27-year-old Neal Jabahri Duan, who told police he was a singer, were arrested after Dayson, wearing a costume, scaled the fence, which made the monkeys scatter, since even they could tell he was a dope. 

Quickly apprehended, the pair didn’t have any ID on them and initially tried to lie about their names. They were charged with forcible obstruction of business, which they refuted, and they’ve gone viral, but just not the way they must have wanted to. In fact, the zoo appears to be restricting access to even viewing the enclosure, which is a gut punch for would-be Punch viewers. There will be “intrusion prevention nets” put in, along with a permanent “don’t jump in the monkey enclosure, you idiots” patrol. So if you’re unable to see Punch after traveling all the way to Japan, you now know who to punch because of that. 

However, if there’s a noticeable lack of monkeys in your life, why not smuggle a few home with you from one country to another, perhaps by putting them in your underwear? Well, there are many reasons why that’s a bad idea. For one, it’s highly illegal. For another, most baby monkeys can be pretty handsy, which could result in a lot of potential pain. And “your underwear” is a bad place to put anything other than the part of your body it’s covering up, and sometimes even that. 

A man and a woman were arrested at the Rafael Núñez International Airport in Cartagena, Colombia, after trying to smuggle three one-month-old baby monkeys to the Dominican Republic. The male had a brown spider monkey “hidden in his genitals,” according to a video. “I’m just happy to see you,” he most likely said to the airport staff. It’s hard to fathom how you could attempt to hide a monkey in your genitals, unless one of them was very small or the other larger than average (and we’re not sure which).

The woman, on the other hand, had two white-faced monkeys, one in each breast cup, when she was apprehended. “My eyes are up here,” we’re imagining she told the authorities. “My breasts and a pair of monkeys are down there.” Sadly, things aren’t looking up for the trio of simians. One of them has already died, with rescuers suspecting it was suffocated. It’s unclear whether it was the one being smuggled by the man or one of the two being smuggled by the woman, but we have our suspicions. The other two are in the care of the Environmental Public Establishment of Cartagena and are still alive but dehydrated and not doing particularly well. 

The moral of both of these stories couldn’t be clearer – don’t monkey with nature. Four people are now in trouble for getting closer to animals than they should have. The best way to view monkeys is online, or perhaps those Planet of the Apes movies. Or maybe racing them in a video game. But not by any of the ways described above. In fact, the phrase “more fun than a barrel of monkeys” doesn’t sound very fun at all after hearing these tales.