Today in Serpents – Venomous Snake Hides in Couch; Python Eats Bra

You’ve got it pretty easy if you’re a snake. You just kind of slither around aimlessly, shedding your skin every now and then, and if you want to bite or constrict something, the world is your oyster. However, things are different in Australia, where two separate incidents took place that make us hesitant to visit any time soon. It appears that they’re trying to take over humanity, since there was an incident of one just hanging out on – er, make that in – a couch. And if that wasn’t enough, another snake decided to try on a lady’s clothes, and by “try on,” we mean “eat her bra and shirt.”

We’ll start our nope rope recap with Snake Catcher Dan. His name is Dan, and his occupation is snake catching. He apparently does it 24/7, per his Facebook page, and that’s not a bad thing because if there’s a proper time to have a snake removed, it’s “as soon as f*****g possible!” He got a call from a follower stating that there was a venomous red-bellied black snake hanging out under his couch. It’s admirable that they thought to call Dan, as our first call would be to a mover, and our second would be to the fire department after setting our house ablaze. 

By the time Snake Catcher Dan showed up, the snake probably got bored with whatever was on TV and disappeared into the couch. Maybe it was just looking for change. Regardless, it wasn’t super easy for Dan to suss it out, as he said via a Facebook post that it took him nearly an hour to find the guy. The most impressive thing about the whole ordeal is that Dan is wearing shorts the entire time and seems incredibly nonchalant about the fact that he could be poisoned at any second. Dude, there was a crocodile hunter from down there who was super casual about nature, and things didn’t turn out so great for him. At any rate, Dan got the guy, deposited him in a snake bag (we’re not sure if that’s what they’re actually called), and hopefully, the homeowner bought a bottle of snake repellent… and a bottle of whiskey to forget about the whole thing. 

Our second tale of hiss-trionics took place in Mataranka, part of Australia’s North Territory. Cattle producer (which we’re assuming is Australian for “farmer”) Moira Lanzarin tells the Australian Broadcasting Company that she woke up to find a two-meter olive python wrapped up in her work shirt, which it had fished out of her laundry basket and was in the process of eating. Lanzarin must not have had Snake Catcher Dan’s number since she calmly looked in her laundry basket and noticed that another item was gone – her underwire bra. 

Instead of panicking and quitting her job on the spot, Lanzarin just let the python be, and, as she says, “it eventually gave everything back.” So after a snake vomits up your clothes that it had eaten and/or attempted to eat, what’s the best course of action for the articles of clothes, which she described as “quite slimy?” Moving and then setting the clothes on fire comes to mind, but instead, she soaked them in disinfectant, washed them, put them out in the sun for three days, and is back to wearing them. ABC interviewed a reptile expert for the article who said that pythons are smell-oriented, so if Lanzarin was around a dog or chickens, that might be why it ate her clothes. It could also have been a dare from other snakes as well. Either way, she’s got one hell of a story on her hands – as does the snake.

This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.