Too Fat to Fly: Missouri Bald Eagle Grounded by Gluttony

Disclaimer: While this story is stuffed with facts, it’s also uncomfortably full of satire.

Wildlife experts in Missouri were recently called to Wilson’s Creek National Battlefield, located 230 miles southwest of St. Louis, to rescue a struggling Bald Eagle who appeared to be injured. The majestic bird was unable to fly on its own and was immediately rushed in for X-rays and emergency treatment. Dang, I wish I had its insurance!

Test results revealed that the bird was indeed sick… sick of watching its carb intake. It turns out the “injured” Bald Eagle didn’t need to be nursed back to health; it just needed to drop a few pounds. Hey, it happens to the best of us!

“The bird, originally reported to be injured, was found to be healthy but engorged with (raccoon)—in other words, too fat to fly,” a park representative said.

Okay, but was the public fat-shaming really necessary, bro?

Officials speculate that the raccoon was roadkill, obtained from the middle of one of Missouri’s many beautiful, blood-stained byways. One X-ray image showed a visible raccoon’s paw inside the eagle’s stomach, which was pretty much a dead giveaway, as was the eagle’s recent Yelp review praising his meal:

“The raccoon was delicious and the portions were insane! I can barely walk, let alone fly, after this feast. Will return. 5/5 stars”

– @Baldi420

Upon learning that the only thing the “injured” Bald Eagle was suffering from was a severe food coma, wildlife officials carefully released him back into the wild near the location where he was originally found—hopefully with a few Tums for the road.

Thankfully, this story has a happy ending (unless you’re the raccoon). This full and fabulous Bald Eagle will live to soar gracefully through the Midwestern skies again, just as soon as he’s done digesting.

The Bald Eagle will continue to be a symbol of American freedom, especially the freedom to eat way too much junk food.