Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

JASPER COUNTY, Miss. — Authorities spent Tuesday afternoon chasing reports of “aggressive, disease-ridden monkeys” along Interstate 59, which is possibly the least surprising sentence ever written about Mississippi. The crash occurred near Heidelberg, which was not previously known for its primate population or for spelling things correctly.

We're fairly certain we've seen this movie before, and it does not end well. (Jasper County Sheriff's Department/Facebook)

The chaos began when a truck carrying several rhesus monkeys overturned near Heidelberg, scattering cages and monkeys all over the place. The Jasper County Sheriff’s Office quickly posted on Facebook that the monkeys were infected with hepatitis, herpes, and possibly COVID-19, a claim they later appeared to have assembled by shaking a WebMD page until diseases fell out.

Tulane University, named as the supposed monkey supplier, denied that any of the animals carried infectious diseases. “These are not our monkeys,” said a university spokesperson, “and even if they were, they’re clean, vaccinated, and probably more healthy and better educated than half of Mississippi.” Tulane later clarified its clarification, insisting that not only were the monkeys not sick, they were “probably disappointed in all of us.”

Still, the sheriff’s office stood by its warnings, saying the driver told them the monkeys were “dangerous and posed a threat to humans.” Officials responded by forming a perimeter, donning PPE, and consulting whatever part of the Mississippi Wildlife Handbook covers “biomedical primate apocalypse.”

By mid-afternoon, authorities confirmed that all but one monkey had been “Destroyed,” though no one could define what that meant or why it was capitalized. The department also assured the public that the situation was under control, but that has historically meant the opposite. The missing monkey was last seen near the woods, reportedly carrying a clipboard and muttering about “peer review.”

Residents are advised to remain calm, though that’s never worked in the history of any sentence beginning with “escaped monkey.”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.