McDonald’s CEO Blames His Own Mother For His Tiny Bites Eating Habit

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski, responding to the viral video in which he gingerly sampled the company’s new Big Arch burger with a bite measuring roughly one postage stamp wide, has identified the party responsible: his own mother.

“I blame it all on my mom,” Kempczinski said, explaining that she had taught him never to talk with his mouth full. He took the opportunity to confirm that he is not, in fact, a vegetarian, a filthy viral rumor which had apparently reached the level where a publicly traded chief executive was asked to deny it on the record.

McDonald’s corporate describes Kempczinski as a deeply engaged consumer of the product, a claim he reinforced during the same interview by eating a chicken nugget on camera and volunteering that he personally consumes McDonald’s “three or four times a week,” which is a phrase that will also likely be in his future autopsy. 

Kempczinski closed the interview by observing that “this notion that you can control everything, that’s not the world that we’re in.” This was his first published philosophical remark since 2021, when he texted the mayor of Chicago that the parents of two children shot dead at separate McDonald’s locations had “failed those kids.” He apologized for that one after civic groups described the message as “ignorant, racist, and unacceptable.” He did not blame his mother that time, but it can be assumed he wanted to, or at least considered it.  

Kempczinski’s mother was not available for comment.

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