Autonomous Cars Driving Users Insane (And to Jail)

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Driverless cars have been seen as the wave of the future for years, or at least since science fiction movies like The Fifth Element and TV shows like Knight Rider existed. The future may have seemed, well, futuristic – especially if you could do better things with your time while your car drove for you. Well, the future is here, and much like the past and the present, it has its issues. In recent weeks, Google’s self-driving car service Waymo has been in the news for two drivers with nothing in common other than their self-driving car not getting them to their destination in style – or, in one case, at all.

The first case of a wayward Waymo happened last month, when user Mike Johns hailed one of the autonomous cars to get to the airport. Airports are stressful enough, so why not let a car take you there without having to make awkward conversation with a driver? Well, perhaps the answer is that said driver won’t literally drive in circles around a parking lot for minutes on end. Johns narrated his circuitous route not on TikTok or Instagram but, hilariously, on LinkedIn while he begged a customer service rep to get the car to stop. 

It finally appeared to, perhaps because it got dizzy or won a bet with some of the other driverless cars or something. What’s even funnier is that Mike Johns is the founder of an AI consulting firm, per Ars Technica. He probably could find a client in Waymo. The company called it a “looping event,” which a software update apparently fixed, but “looping event” sounds like it’s something that will happen over and over again. While that remains to be seen, the most recent event is more of a public service announcement for would-be thieves. 

A man is in custody in Los Angeles after stealing merchandise from a Ralph’s store, getting in an altercation with a security guard, and making a hasty escape… in a Waymo. On the one hand, again, there’s no driver to worry about to rat you out, but presumably, you need to have an account to hail one, so this guy might have been a few fries short of a Happy Meal in the first place. KTLA reports that the getaway car got about three miles away before being pulled over by at least four police cars. Waymo itself reports that its software recognizes police sirens and lights and will pull over when appropriate. So, while the felon might have started out in an autonomous car, his next ride had a driver, and he got a ride to the big house.

This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.