Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Do not Fun Pass go, do not collect $200 from other's credit cards. (facebook/RealChuckHobbs)
It’s time once again to go to a magical place where madcap crime antics happen constantly, where rednecks go to get their necks redder, and the dumbassery is often turned up to eleven. Yes, of course we’re talking about Florida. And while Florida Man is a meme and a stereotype, it’s not like the state has toned down the ridiculousness after being called out on it for years. In fact, we now have a stand-in for Florida Man… Florida Mouse!
Of all the places for crime to occur, a Chuck E. Cheese would probably rank pretty low on most lists. In fact, the most criminal thing happening there until recently was that they got rid of the animatronic band. Robot musicians need gigs too, man. However, a boatload of children inside the Tallahassee store, and the until-then-bored parents throwing parties for them, bore witness to the king mouse himself, Chuck E. Cheese, being cuffed and forced to do a perp walk out of the restaurant, likely scarring the poor kids for life.
It turns out that it wasn’t the mouse himself that was arrested, but Jermell J. Jones, which actually sounds like even more of a mascot name than Chuck E. Cheese. Turns out that Jones is a bit of a pack rat, in that he collects other people’s credit cards. Allegedly, a victim had a party at Charles Entertainment Cheese in June and then fraudulent charges were run up on her card after that, with it being traced back to Jones.
Apparently when cops entered the restaurant, they’d initially asked Jones to come with them, with the intention of arresting him out of view from the kids, but he tried to run into a small hole in the wall. Actually, a local paper says he tensed up when officers called his name (literally, the officers allegedly said “Come with me, Chuck E.”), which led them to slap the cuffs on him and lead him outside, where they found the credit card in his possession after ripping his mascot head off. According to TMZ, the police report said they also found a small amount of marijuana on Jones, which isn’t surprising for any mascot. When asked if he had a license to have medical marijuana, Jones said that he “was on his way to get one.” We weren’t aware that was one of the prizes kids could win at Chuck’s.
“We are aware of an incident involving a part-time employee arrested at our Tallahassee location on Wednesday, July 23,” a Chuck E. Cheese spokesmouse said in an e-mail. “We have taken the appropriate action concerning the subject employee.” Jones was charged with theft of a credit card, criminal use of personal identification info, and fraudulent use of a credit card more than twice within 6 months. And while we’re sure “appropriate action” means he was fired, maybe he should have been given a promotion. Not that we condone credit card theft, but this is easily the most people have spoken about Chuck E. Cheese in years.
