Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Doormat belonging to convicted felon and wanted criminal Christopher Musick. (VolusiaSheriff/Facebook)
Residents of Volusia County, Florida, are in a panic-fueled outrage as news of the arrest of local fraudster and cheeky doormat enthusiast, Christopher Musick. Musick, a convicted felon wanted on two outstanding warrants in Maryland, was arrested at his home this Tuesday. His home is a charming beachfront property adorned with a welcome mat that reads “come back with a warrant”.
Next door neighbor Myles Rubbadik, who knew Mr. Musick as a quiet neighbor who mostly kept to himself and his various frauds opines, “I think the cops were going door to door when some old lady went missing, and they saw his doormat and thought if this fella wants them to come back with a warrant, that’s probably what they should do.”
This has created a nightmare scenario for neighbors who fear that the tacky crap they decorate their houses with may just land them in prison. Daytona, Florida, long known as the world’s epicenter of cheap novelty items and cheap novelty people, is home to a little-known subculture: People who dress and adorn their property with self-incriminating information.
Daytona Beach, the home of cheap novelty items and cheap novelty people
“It is a local tradition,” says local historian Dick Hartley. “It goes back to anti-establishment fringe groups who would use symbols and images known only to those of their particular subculture. They would then surreptitiously sprinkle those codes into the zeitgeist. To be 420 friendly, for example, is now known to be the inside term for a cannabis enthusiast, whereas to wear an Ed Hardy shirt means that you are carrying roofies.”
Daytona Beach historian Dick Hartley. (Witsanu Singkaew/Vecteezy)
A survey of local residents in Downtown Daytona this past Thursday afternoon yielded a plethora of opinions touching on topics of freedom of expression and government overreach. Anita Dumore, a concerned local mother, griped, “A lot of us never thought the cops would catch on to what we were doing. But then this jackass goes and ruins it for all of us. There is being obvious, and then there is being obvious, I mean, I’ve been cheating on my taxes for years, but my welcome mat just reads “welcome.”
“It’s not fair!” slurred a local passerby, “Just because that guy was a wanted man in some other state, that don’t mean he aint got the right to have his welcome mat say whatever he wants.” He paused to burp, then stated, “I thought this was America!” as he drove off in a dented car with a bumper sticker that read “I’M DRUNK!”
“Sometimes a t-shirt is just a t-shirt”, said a woman sporting a weathered novelty t-shirt of a thong-adorned beach bunny and the words, “Daytona Has The Best Crack!” Moments later, that same woman offered to sell me that very shirt so she could buy some crack.
Concerned local mother Anita Dumore. (fxquadro/Depositphotos)
Speaking from aboard his luxury yacht, the “I Take Bribes”, Police Lieutenant Jerry Almer praised the astute detective work that led to the capture of Mr. Musick. “These officers were smart to take note of that doormat and use it as probable cause to secure a warrant. It’s the subtle clues that make the difference.”
Lawrence Fine, Mr. Musick’s attorney, defended his client. “This is a violation of his First Amendment right to free expression. The police have no right to assume that he is a wanted felon just because he has a doormat that tells them to get a warrant.”
Attorney Fine, a Daytona University alum and prolific foster of teen runaways, compared his client’s taste in home decor to his own personal sense of style. “On weekends, I wear a Taylor Swift hoodie and dark glasses when I go to cheerleading events, or teen volleyball games. I guess to the police that means that I am some kind of a sexual deviant.”
If there is a bright side to this story, it is a boon for the local security industry. “People get worried, and they feel insecure. They want more cameras set up around their homes.” Tom Pelisaro, owner of Peeping Tom’s Home Camera Installation Company, has seen a tenfold spike in new clients as compared to this time last year.
Christopher Musick, local felon and kitschy doormat enthusiast. The doormat around back says "Cockfight Entrance" (VolusiaSheriff/Facebook)
Paranoia has indeed settled in as Christopher Musick awaits his day in court. Some residents have been seen taking down lawn ornaments, flags, murals, and electronic displays that could hypothetically, but also definitely, alert authorities.
“It’s a shame, I just put up my holiday decorations,” complained Musick’s neighbor, Myles Rubbadik, who began disassembling a light display clearly depicting one elf selling another elf a bottle of pills, the bottle falling over as the bright red pills spilled out into the shape of an arrow leading right up to his door.
Are the police truly starting to pick up subtleties of the most overtly self-incriminating home decor and personal apparel? Is the Musick doormat just the first step? Has only the first shoe dropped? Only time will tell.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
