Council Bans Alcohol at Gravesites After Discovering Who’s Drinking It All

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Angus Council has issued an appeal for mourners to stop leaving alcohol on graves after reports that children have been sneaking into cemeteries, cracking open tributes, and holding what local police described as “Scotland’s worst beer garden.”

In several recent incidents, local yobs were seen drinking lager directly off gravestones, prompting fears of an increase in mild hauntings. “It’s not that we don’t appreciate creative memorials,” a council spokesperson said. “It’s just that we’d rather your dearly departed weren’t remembered with Buckfast-fuelled hooliganism in Section C.”

Several cemeteries reportedly had cans of beer, whisky bottles, and one truly confusing mojito pitcher left behind. 

Authorities say cemetery drinking is not only disrespectful but technically illegal, as cemeteries are designated public spaces, and apparently, Scotland has at least one actual law against something alcohol-related.

While officials insist this is a child safety issue, locals claim darker forces are at play:

• Reports of spectral karaoke echoing from the grave of a man buried with six crates of Tennents.
• A crypt mysteriously redecorated into what witnesses described as “a Weatherspoons, but spookier.”
• One groundskeeper swears he saw a Victorian widow’s ghost complain her gin & tonic had too much tonic.
• And then there’s Old Malcolm, who claims the ban was prompted after his late uncle, “Drinky Jim,” tried to claw his way out of his grave because someone left a can of Fosters nearby.

“It’s not the kids we’re worried about,” said one elderly mourner. “It’s the poltergeists that keep demanding Sambuca shots.”

Officials recommend mourners bring flowers or photos instead of alcohol, though some locals are skeptical. “My dad drank a bottle of whisky every Christmas,” said one resident. “He’s not going to want me showing up with a sad bunch of carnations, unless carnations suddenly come in 80 proof, in which case we’re back in business. He’s going to want me shotgunning a bottle of Glenfiddich while sobbing into his headstone like a proper son.”

Local tourism officials are reportedly eyeing the controversy as an opportunity, floating a proposal for the UK’s first Haunted Pub Crawl. The event would feature stops at several cemeteries, a half-price séance, and what the draft itinerary calls “Shot Roulette with Uncle Dave from Beyond the Grave.”

One skeptical councillor noted: “We’re not sure how to market it yet. ‘Drink with the Dead’ doesn’t sound entirely family-friendly. Neither does ‘The Walking Drunk’. We’re still workshopping it.”

The final word may belong to the spirits themselves. In what priests are calling “an unlicensed séance,” several graves reportedly lit up last week with eerie green light, followed by a booming voice declaring: “The spirits are here and we need yours.” Hopefully, they were referring to alcohol.  

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.