Crime Doesn’t Pay For Cinnabon Criminal

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

If you’ve ever spent time in a shopping mall (a popular pastime until the early 2010s), a highlight was walking around and not shopping. Yes, actually purchasing stuff may have been secondary, which could be why malls aren’t around as much these days. But taking in the sights (and smells) of a mall was how many a teen passed the time, and that intoxicating cinnamon scent when you were in the food court meant that a Cinnabon was nearby, and it’s probably enshrined in your memory. What would you do to recapture that feeling, especially if the mall nearest you was closed for the evening? If you said “break into the mall and steal Cinnabons,” you’re a psychopath, but that’s actually exactly what one would-be thief in Atlanta decided to do.

Talk about sticky fingers! The bun bandit targeted the Perimeter Mall in Dunwoody, a suburb of Atlanta. Not much has been said about the criminal, or the Cinnimal, if you will, other than that they broke into the mall and stole some Cinnabons. The perfect crime? Obviously not. Presumably, the rolls weren’t piping hot just out of the oven, so even if the thief made a deliciously clean getaway, they would’ve had to heat up their pilfered haul. 

Secondly, they broke into a damn mall to get a dessert. Here’s a public service announcement from your friends at Odd News: don’t break into malls. However, if you ignore us and break into a mall, there are plenty more high-ticket items worth taking than some cinnamon buns with delicious cream cheese frosting. I mean, this poor felon could have just gone to his local Walmart and picked some up since they’re open later than the mall.

Perhaps even worse for the guy is that after getting caught bun-handed by the po-po, the cops had some fun with the story, posting on their Facebook and ridiculing the guy. “Now, instead of enjoying a warm, gooey cinnamon roll, you’re facing a felony burglary charge,” the cops taunted. If there’s any silver lining to this whole debacle, it’s that the criminal is presumably getting three meals a day courtesy of the county jail. Granted, jail food is probably nothing to write home about, but at least your fellow cell mates will have something to laugh about when they find out why you’ve been imprisoned.

This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.