Dish It Out: Man Attacked on Buffet Line, Police Say

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

A recent wedding turned ugly when a buffet line became the site of an alleged assault. The incident, which shockingly occurred in Florida, involved a man being cut in line, according to a police description, and some very hurt feelings.

While waiting in line for the steak carving station, a man reportedly allowed his daughter and a friend to join him, thus cutting in front of the man behind them. The line-cutting victim became angry, according to Palm Beach Police, which everyone can agree is understandable when you’re awaiting some delicious red meat.

The man’s anger was ignored by the other man, the line-letter-in guy, at which point the angry gent allegedly smashed a plate over his head, in an apparent attempt at conflict resolution.

The accused striker, who is a lawyer, also reportedly pushed the other fellow, grabbed his collar, and held another plate over his head. At this point, he might have felt some regret in realizing that his actions would not get him closer to eating delicious steak, but actually farther away, because of the whole “assault” thing (allegedly).

“Violence is never okay, I want to be very clear about that,” said a local man. “Having said that, it is very frustrating when someone cuts you in line, especially when it involves several people going in front of you. Also, have you had the food from that caterer? It’s really good. I’m talking head-smashingly good.”

The man was arrested and will reportedly be charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. His lawyer said the man denies the accusations and will plead not guilty. The maximum sentence if convicted is five years, and he would be disbarred. But on the bright side, he likely will never be cut in front of again, at a buffet or any place with a line.

The victim told police he did not need medical attention, and he reportedly had a red bump on his head. And perhaps a pain in his heart from the incident delaying the chance for himself and loved ones to eat tender steak.

“I don’t know why this is a news story,” said an unimpressed man outside of a hardware store. “This sort of thing happens in Florida several times every day. And especially at this buffet – because, c’mon, have you tried their food? It’s really good.”

The chef will be putting on his resume that his food is so delicious it nearly caused a rumble.

This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.