Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
LAUDERDALE-BY-THE-SEA, Fla. — Volunteers at the Community Church are searching for answers after a barefoot man broke into their sanctuary, stole an iPad, and attempted to perform what authorities are calling “an unsanctioned water miracle” in the restroom. Police say it’s unclear whether the suspect came seeking redemption or restroom access, both of which he handled poorly.
It's difficult to shake the image of him using the restroom in his bare feet minutes before this. ( WPLG Local 10/YouTube)
Surveillance footage shows the suspect entering through a side door Sunday afternoon, dressed in a tank top and swim trunks and dragging a beach cart.
“People bring carts to church every day,” said church volunteer Barbara Lane. “They usually fill them with casseroles.”
Instead of seeking forgiveness, the man reportedly spent several contemplative minutes in the church bathroom, where he appeared to conduct some form of aquatic sabotage. Volunteers later discovered the toilet stuffed with paper towels, an act Lane described as “symbolic, but not in a good way.”
The intruder then rummaged through the food pantry before finding the audiovisual booth, where he confiscated the church iPad. “He put it in his car and just left,” Lane said, with the gentle finality of someone who has accepted both Jesus Christ and Florida Man into their lives.
The congregation has responded with an abundance of grace. “We just send him love and forgiveness,” Lane said. “That’s the beauty of it. God forgives us.” The plumber was in a less forgiving mood, however. The church plans to replace the missing iPad and possibly add a second, larger “Thou Shalt Not Flush Paper Towels” sign in the men’s restroom.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
