Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
A Florida Man who spent two weeks in a hospital under armed guard while authorities waited for him to return roughly $770,000 in Tiffany diamonds to the State of Florida will represent himself at next month’s trial in Orlando. Jaythan Lawrence Gilder told an Orange County judge he understood the risks of waiving counsel. He has previously waived medical treatment and an X-ray as well, quite possibly because he knew how things were going to come out in “the end”. Ha ha, butt.
Maaaybe don't touch those. (Syda_Productions/depositphotos)
Two solitaire pairs of earrings were taken from a Tiffany boutique at Orlando’s Mall at Millenia in February 2025 after Gilder told employees he was the personal assistant of an unnamed Orlando Magic player. This being Florida, that incredibly flimsy excuse actually worked. He was escorted to a VIP room, shown $1.35 million in stock, grabbed what he could, shoved past a clerk, and was arrested six hours later on Interstate 10 roughly 300 miles away. State troopers reported he was “moving something around in his mouth.” That something would not reappear for another two weeks.
The State of Florida placed him under continuous hospital custody and waited. By March 12, he had “produced” all four earrings. Tiffany specialists hopefully cleaned them thoroughly before authenticating them against the original serial numbers, just in case Gilder had made more than one snack stop during his crime spree. It turns out he did. He also produced two additional earrings that did not match anything in the store’s inventory. Gilder has not offered an explanation.
A separate warrant from El Paso County, Colorado, lists Gilder as a suspect in a 2022 theft at a Colorado Springs store called Legacy and Company valued at up to $1 million, and Colorado prosecutors have charged him with 48 additional counts, including escape pending a felony, criminal mischief, and criminal impersonation. A pattern emerged in the filings: Gilder enters a high-end store, claims to represent someone wealthy, and leaves with the jewelry. In his belly, probably.
Pro se felony defendants are convicted at lower rates than represented ones, according to research from the University of Georgia. It is unclear whether that finding accounts for the subset of defendants who arrive at trial having already eaten and excreted the evidence. A public defender will remain on hand as standby counsel and/or catcher in case more evidence “emerges”. From his butt. Ha ha butt. Look, you clicked on this expecting butt references, don’t blame me.
