Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

WARNER ROBINS, Ga. – A Georgia man learned the hard way that ambulances make for terrible getaway vehicles after allegedly stealing one and leading police on a high-speed chase that ended in a ditch.

(Stock Photo/Depositphotos)

Police said Brandon Hill, 29, took the emergency vehicle from Middle Flint Behavioral Health around 8:30 a.m. and attempted to flee at high speeds. The chase wound through neighborhoods before ending in a crash, leading to his arrest.

The Not-So-Great Escape

Hill reportedly decided that regular car theft was too conventional and instead opted for an ambulance. Unfortunately for him—and fortunately for everyone else—ambulances are:

– Large, bright, and impossible to miss
– Equipped with GPS tracking
– Not built for high-speed pursuits

Despite these obstacles, Hill allegedly sped down Feagin Mill Road as if responding to an emergency that existed only in his mind.

A Chaotic Pursuit

Witnesses reported seeing the ambulance weaving recklessly through residential streets, prompting police to initiate a pursuit. Instead of surrendering, Hill allegedly steered the vehicle off-road, cutting through an open field before crashing into a ditch.

Even after wrecking the ambulance, authorities said he attempted to continue his escape before finally stopping in the middle of Carl Vinson Parkway and surrendering.

The Charges

Hill was taken into custody and booked into the Houston County Jail, facing multiple charges, including:

– Theft
– Fleeing or attempting to elude police
– Obstruction
– Criminal interference with government property
– Reckless driving
– Hit and run

Lesson Learned

If you’re planning to steal a vehicle, law enforcement officials advise against choosing one that is highly visible, filled with tracking equipment, and, most importantly, owned by the government. As for Hill, his brief stint behind the wheel of an ambulance has been replaced with a ride to jail—one that required no high-speed maneuvers.

This article is based on fully factual news, so if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.