Human Skull Hunt on Easter Goes About as Well as (Un)Planned

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Rabbits have been getting the short end of the stick for years. Sure, they’re fast and all, but lose one race to a tortoise, and suddenly you’re the laughingstock of the animal kingdom. While Playboy was cool for a minute, many have moved on from airbrushing and thinking of an 80-year-old man wearing bathrobes as a sex symbol. Now the only endorsement deals they can get are for cereal they can’t eat and batteries. 

And then there’s the humiliation of Easter. At malls all around, Easter Bunnies are forced to have kids sit on their laps like slightly furrier Santa Clauses. There are chocolate likenesses of them, but rabbits are allergic to chocolate, and it can kill them if eaten. And for some reason, the tradition of the Easter Egg Hunt suggests that they go out of their way to hard-boil and dye chicken eggs, stuff fake plastic ones full of candy, and hide them. At least one bunny in California took matters into its own hands and decided to throw in some human remains along with all the eggs. 

The Sunday Easter Egg hunt in Long Beach, California, had been going about as normal as they do, which is to say still pretty abnormal. On the only day of the year that kids get excited about eggs, children were running around DeForest Park, which is where all DeTrees around there are from. And while they found eggs, they also found a human skull. Probably disappointed to find that the skull didn’t contain any candy, the child likely shrugged and decided to look for something more Cadbury than “partially buried.” However, the skull, since renamed “Unidentified Doe No. 196,” was indeed unearthed on a dirt path in the park. 

While it was initially thought that it might be human remains, the Los Angeles County medical examiner confirmed that the skull and mandible taken from the park not only wasn’t part of the Easter Egg hunt, but that the remains were human after all. Not much more is known about Unidentified Doe No. 196, other than that, for one last time, they sure knew how to ruin a gathering. 

“Revenge is mine,” an Easter Bunny said, with an evil laugh. “I’ve had it with humans. First, they took my Trix away and called me silly. And most of them are dumb enough to think we lay eggs. We’re mammals and not platypuses. How stupid do you have to be? I’m just glad they found the skull I left for them when I was hopping down the bunny trail. My only regret is that I didn’t have the time to dye it. Let’s see how hoppy these kids are now.”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.