Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Jarrelle Augustine, 28, of Paramount, was arrested Tuesday at an Irvine Target and booked on grand theft charges after investigators determined he had spent months buying LEGO sets, removing the minifigures, replacing them with dried pasta, and returning the boxes to the store for full refunds.
One of these is worth more than the other. ( ctrphotos/azerbaijan_stockers/depositphotos)
Target has connected at least 70 similar returns to the same customer, totaling roughly $34,000 in losses. The pasta, police confirmed, was Goya-brand durum wheat semolina matched closely enough by weight to pass a front-counter check. A pound of rigatoni and a pound of Star Wars minifigures might weigh the same, but only one of them costs $180.
The LEGO aftermarket is not a joke. Rare Star Wars minifigures trade on BrickLink for hundreds of dollars apiece, and a 2021 economics study found that unopened sets outperformed gold. The working theory is that the figures were resold online, where nothing has a serial number. The working theory does not address the rigatoni or which sauce to pair with it.
The Irvine Police Department announced the arrest on Instagram in a post constructed entirely of pasta puns. “Pasta-tively terrible plan.” “Detectives snapped into action.” “LEGOs for linguine.” “He was cooked.” The department’s standard press template was not available for comparison, the social media intern having apparently been granted emergency joke-writing authority under exigent circumstances.
Augustine faces grand theft in Orange County. The 70 returned boxes have not been recovered, and Target has not clarified whether they were restocked. Which could mean that somewhere in America, a child is opening a Millennium Falcon this weekend, looking for Chewbacca, and finding a pile of elbows instead.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
