Mangled Web: Woman Arrested for Allegedly Killing Roommate’s Pet Spider

Disclaimer: While this article is spun from real news events, it does also contain a web of satire. Try not to get caught.

A 43-year-old woman has been arrested after admitting to drowning her roommate’s pet spider, according to the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office. The alleged act happened on July 15 in their home, which, yes, is in Florida, in case anyone was wondering where such a bizarre story could happen.

The arrested woman will face charges of misdemeanor animal cruelty and petty theft for allegedly killing the pet jumping spider, which apparently cost a whopping $70. Of course, we all remember the days before inflation when you could buy a quality jumping spider for well under $50.

“It’s heartbreaking because ginger ale was the spider’s favorite drink,” said a neighbor who visited often. “It would always encourage me to drink ginger ale, especially when I had an upset stomach.”

While there are many types of jumping spiders, they are generally small in size, and some are capable of jumping 30 times their body length – which is equal parts impressive and terrifying. Jumping spider habitats can include vegetation, wood piles, and the homes of people living in Florida.

“Supposedly, jumping spiders are not dangerous pets for humans,” said a random Florida resident after hearing about the story. “But what about the heart attack I might have after seeing a freaking spider in my home jump five feet across the room? I’m all for animal rights, and I love animals, but if someone had a pet spider, or pet mosquitoes, I would probably try to kill them.”

“This story is upsetting. I mean, if a person can be arrested for killing a spider, does that make me a serial killer? I know spiders are good for the ecosystem, and they kill bugs, but they need to be good for the ecosystem far, far away from me.”

– Another random Florida resident

A 7-part true crime documentary about this incident is scheduled to stream on Netflix this fall.