Prankster Dunks Head in Pickle Barrel, Faces Charges of Being Awesome

Witnesses were left both amused and perplexed as they watched a man embark on a quest to do the stupidest thing possible at the Heritage Dairy Store, in Hastings, New Jersey.

“Sometimes there are no appropriate words for the actions one takes,” the Glassboro Police Department wrote on Facebook.

In a stunning display of bravado and obvious boredom, an unidentified man entered the Heritage Dairy Store with one thing on his mind, pickles.

With the laser focus of a CIA operative, the suspect made his way directly to the store’s popular pickle barrel, which is apparently a totally normal thing for convenience stores to have.

The unsuspecting pickle barrel had no idea of the horrors it was about to face. 

Seconds later, the total stud took a deep breath and dove face-first into the salty, vinegary depths of the pickle barrel, all while recording his “masterpiece” on his cell phone. Note to all current and future criminals: Do this!

“All the sudden I heard a big splash. Pickle juice splattered everywhere, it was friggin’ sick dude.”

Heritage Dairy Story Employee, TJ DeJohn.

As quickly and mysteriously as he came, the dill dunker exited the store, leaving a trail of brine and broken dreams in his wake. 

Witnesses were too stunned and/or impressed to react at the time, but moments later police were called to the scene to take statements from traumatized witnesses and make chalk outlines of the massacred pickles.

“We’ve seen some odd things in our line of work, but this takes the cake,” said a bewildered officer, who wished to remain anonymous. “Or should I say, it takes the pickle?”

The real victims of this crime are the people exposed to an influx of pickle-themed dad jokes.

Using the store’s pickle barrel as your own personal dunk tank is a sure sign of Big Dill Energy, but this was not a victimless crime. This unspeakable act forced the Heritage Dairy Store to discard the entire bucket of pickles following the incident. The store is now facing a devastating loss that it will never financially recover from, totaling $52.00.

Local residents are scratching their (non-pickle-soaked) heads regarding the motive of the crime. Was it a social media stunt? A gang initiation? Part of an elaborate skincare routine? We may never know the thought process that led this pickle perpetrator to a life of crime.

Whatever the reason, Pickle Boy got the attention of the Glassboro Police. They have several questions of their own for the pickle-bobbing bandit. The main one being, “Bro, have you ever heard of security cameras?”

New Jersey pickle barrels can sleep well tonight, as the Pickle Prankster has given himself up to the police and was dismissed with a citation and a disapproving head nod. Authorities warn residents, if you recognize this man, please stay calm and approach with caution, you’re about to encounter a freakin’ legend.