Reality Bites: 1000 Pound Sisters Star Arrested Following Fake Camel Bite

Disclaimer: While this article is based on the reality of factual news, it is also weighed down with some biting satire.

If there’s one thing that’s annoying about going to a zoo on mushrooms, it’s that animals are always trying to bite you. You can’t blame them, because you’re so much more biteable after ingesting a magic mushroom or two, and the vibes that you’re putting forth tell nature to chew on you, just like it told you to chew on those shrooms, man. What’s confusing is that you never know if those animals trying to bite you are real or imaginary. 

Like, say you’re at the safari park, and a unicorn bites you. “Unicorns don’t exist,” someone whose brain was not addled by psilocybin might say. “But what about a narwhal?” you’d respond, “that’s like a unicorn that’s a fish, and they totally exist. And speaking of fish, I saw Phish at the Sphere in Las Vegas. Or maybe I saw goldfish in a bowl in Las Vegas. I don’t even remember. What were we talking about?” At any point, 1,000 Pound Sisters star Amy Slaton Halterman was recently arrested after a camel bit her – or did it? 

To give a little background to this tale, “1000 Pound Sisters” is a reality show on TLC. Not having seen it, we were disappointed to find out it’s about the exploits of two sisters who weigh a combined 1,000 lbs., not a ton of sisters. Half of them (that’d be Amy) and her male companion, Brian Scott Lovvorn, were at the Tennessee Safari Park in Alamo, TN, on Labor Day. However, it appeared they might have been laboring under the influence of something when the police were called to the park after she claimed a camel bit her. 

We’re not saying she wasn’t bitten by a camel, but the park’s owner sure was. He told TMZ that there’s never been a camel bite reported at his zoo in all the time it’s been open. Also, he said the skin on her arm looked fileted, not bitten, and with no bruising. And we all know that camels really aren’t good at operating knives. Also, surveillance camera footage didn’t show any chomping camels, and she couldn’t say where in the park she may have been bitten. 

While the cops did show up, they were less concerned about whether she was bitten and more distracted by the suspicious odors coming from her car. It seemed like the source of that was 80 grams of weed and some mushrooms, which led to the two being arrested for possession and child endangerment, as two children were also in the car.  

When asked for comment, the camel said, “What do you mean I bit her? I mean, maybe I might’ve, actually. I didn’t mean to, but I think I must’ve gotten a contact high, and I’ll be damned if she didn’t look a little bit like a salt lick. At any rate, I’ve gotta go – I’ve got a play date with the unicorn.”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.