Rogue Hugging Bandits on the Loose in Canada

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Listen, we get it. Times are tough, and it’s hard out there. Nothing’s getting cheaper, and empathy seems like it’s in short supply just about everywhere. What you could use is a hug, right? Unfortunately, in Edmonton, Alberta, that doesn’t even seem to be working out, as the police there have arrested three people as part of a larger crew in a jewelry theft ring that often involves asking for hugs. Police said that they’re armed, because it’s pretty hard to hug without at least one of them.

Edmonton police say that the scheme is relatively straightforward. A “family,” or a group of thieves that resemble one, approach the marks in parking lots of grocery stores. We’re just going to stop right there. If there’s one thing that seems immediately suspect, it’s a group of people you don’t know approaching you. We’d already be running for the hills.

The overly friendly thieves strike up conversations, wind up offering hugs, then snatch their jewelry and flee into a waiting vehicle. Here’s another pro tip from your friends at Odd News – don’t wear jewelry to go grocery shopping. It doesn’t get you free food, and usually won’t impress the other shoppers.

They’ve also offered to “bless” people’s jewelry, who have then handed it over to them. Maybe it actually is blessed, as it’s in a better place now. And by “better place,” we mean “a pawn shop.” They’ve got another scam as well, where RCMP (that’s the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, not the Chili Peppers) stated that “a woman showered vulnerable seniors with compliments while a male accomplice attempted to replace the expensive jewelry with near-worthless dupes.” We’re assuming that the Canadian po-po means senior citizens, not blinged-out high school seniors, who can also be vulnerable. 

This appears to be going on not just in Edmonton, but all over Canada. Edmonton police Constable Shiva Shunmugam says that the group is “transient in nature” and that they “live together” and “move together in most occurrences.” There’s a word for that, but it’s derogatory enough in this day and age that we’ll just go with his description. One victim says that she’s now scared to leave her home, which is unfortunate. 

Shunmugam ended his press conference by warning people to be less welcoming, which is a metaphor for 2025 if we’ve ever heard one. “Don’t let people in your personal space,” the constable said. “If somebody is… overtly friendly to you and trying to enter and breach your personal space by confusing you, tell them to stop and (that) you will call the police.” So if there’s one valuable lesson to be learned from this, turn down hugs from everyone. 

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.