Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

If you’ve ever looked at your bathtub and thought, “This needs a helipad,” great news: the U.S. government is auctioning off a 106-meter Russian oligarch’s superyacht with all the amenities of a Bond villain’s bachelor pad, minus the freedom to take it literally anywhere.

Not just a super yacht, but apparently, you also get some giant metal balls, too! (fraseryachts.com)

The yacht, Amadea, is a floating tribute to bad decisions, shady shell companies, and the enduring popularity of nautical-themed lawsuits. Valued at $325 million, it’s now available at a discount so steep it may qualify for workers’ comp.

This majestic pile of teak and teak-adjacent materials was seized by U.S. authorities in 2022 when someone finally got bored enough during a Senate subcommittee hearing to ask what that giant boat parked off Fiji was doing with a missile defense system and a disco ball. Officials claimed it belonged to Suleiman Kerimov, a man sanctioned so hard his bank accounts have started auto-forwarding emails to the Hague. Kerimov denies owning the yacht, see? 

Enter Eduard Khudainatov, another Russian billionaire with the kind of facial hair that screams “innocent oil executive.” He claims the yacht is his. He has the paperwork. He has a receipt. He has eight different holding companies and a maritime flag from the Isle of Man. What he doesn’t have is a court that believes him. Because this is Russia we’re talking about, the ownership paperwork consists of a hand-drawn crayon sketch of the boat stapled to an empty bottle of vodka.

Despite dozens of legal tantrums and several failed courtroom PowerPoints labeled “Amadea Totally Mine.pptx”, Khudainatov is still yachtless and mad about it. The U.S., meanwhile, would very much like to stop paying the $610,000-per-month upkeep, which includes barnacle removal, gold-flake bidet maintenance, and a full-time legal team trained in international ship custody battles.

But buyer beware. As UVA law professor Paul Stephan put it: “It’s a floating lawsuit.” Which is incidentally also what Carnival Cruises calls their all-you-can-eat room-temperature shrimp buffet during peak norovirus season. Whoever buys this tub should note that the second you sail into waters where Russian oligarchs still own property, which is literally everywhere, you risk Khudainatov showing up with a legal brief in one hand and a trained seal in the other, demanding his yacht back.

This may or may not be a glass gas chamber, which may or may not be your final resting place if you buy the yacht (fraseryachts.com)

Khudainatov’s lawyer warns that no rational buyer would pay full price. Which is great, because the U.S. government has no intention of finding one. They’re just hoping to find someone with plausible crypto millions and a deficient understanding of how extradition treaties work.

So if you’ve got a few hundred million lying around and enjoy international waters, confusing lawsuits, and Russian oligarch drama, the Amadea is perfect for you. Just don’t sail it to Hong Kong, Macao, or any place with functioning courts.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.