Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

More than 30 elite paratroopers from the Russian 83rd Airborne Assault Brigade apparently concluded that the best way to survive war was to shoot themselves in the leg and file for workers’ comp. Russian investigators report the soldiers tried aiming away from vital organs, but weren’t always successful.

Can you tell which legs are about to have self-inflicted wounds? Probably all of them. (andreslebedev/depositphotos)

The daring operation, dubbed “Friendly Fire Friday,” racked up more than $2.5 million in fraudulent payouts, a dozen bravery medals, and at least three weeks of rest and relaxation in scenic not-being-shot-at-anymore.

Leading the effort were two high-ranking geniuses: Guard Colonel Artem “Just Shoot Me” Gorodilov and Lieutenant Colonel Konstantin “Executioner” Frolov, who admitted to running what can only be described as the world’s least fun paintball league.

Frolov even wore a patch claiming five minor and two serious wounds, which apparently came from a slide show presentation called “Target Practice: Now With Coworkers.” He admitted to requesting gunfire from his fellow troops, one presumes shortly after they finished filming the world’s least coordinated TikTok dance with live ammunition.

In related developments, Russian military command confirmed that the 83rd Brigade will now be awarded a new decoration: the Purple Bruise.

Authorities are also investigating caches of pistols, rifles, and grenades that Frolov allegedly stashed in the Luhansk People’s Republic to shoot himself with later, or to trade for additional medals, or perhaps to start an Etsy store.

Please come visit Frolov's Etsy store, where everything is brand new! (subjob/depositphotos)

As for future policy, the Kremlin has vowed to implement new safety measures, such as banning mirrors on the battlefield to prevent self-inflicted sniper confusion, and replacing all guns with potato cannons to “reduce paperwork.”

Also uncovered in the probe:

— Several soldiers tried to fake head wounds by falling down stairs while yelling “BANG!”

— One officer was caught applying ketchup to a sock and mailing it to the Ministry of Defense as “proof of sacrifice.”

— And at least one soldier used a musket loaded with a note that said, “IOU one bullet.”

Meanwhile, the Russian army has announced it will soon begin to deploy weapons to the battlefield from its massive 19th-century military surplus stockpile, including:

— Bayonets made from sharpened soup spoons

— Tanks powered by steam and coal

— A new “combat drone” that’s just a pigeon with a grenade tied to it.

Ukrainian officials responded by releasing a statement that simply read, “We literally can’t believe anyone ever thought Russia had a serious military.”

When reached for comment, a Russian defense spokesperson mumbled something about “strategic improvisation” and then shot himself in the foot for a tax write-off.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.