Delicious ravioli can be hard to share – and when someone won't share it, it's hard not to pummel the person with the very same tasty food. (Guillaume Flambeau Von Uslar/Wikimedia Commons)
Disclaimer: While this article is stuffed with facts, it is also served with a satirical sauce. Please don’t touch this plate, it’s very hot.
Holy ravioli, it’s not every day that someone goes to jail for throwing stuffed pasta at a family member – in the ever-bizarre state of Florida, it’s only every other day.
A woman in Clearwater, Florida, allegedly threw ravioli at her sister when she refused to share food with her, according to local police. For throwing a plate of ravioli at her sibling, according to police, the woman was charged with domestic battery and spent a night in jail. A judge ordered her to steer clear of her sister – especially when there is delectable food in the vicinity.
“We take it very seriously when any type of stuffed food is used in an alleged assault,” said a local official. “If this were simply a case of someone throwing angel hair pasta, or even fettuccine, at a relative, we might let it go with just a very harsh sentence to perform a lot of community service. But ravioli and other stuffed pastas can cause serious damage, especially if al dente. So we’re taking this matter very seriously.”
– Local official
The victim reportedly still had sauce on her when police arrived at the scene. The type of sauce was not disclosed, and leaked reports differed over whether marinara, pesto, or vodka sauce might be involved. “Extensive DNA analysis will be conducted by the top public and private scientific facilities in the state,” said an official, “to determine both the sauce type and what kind of filling was in the ravioli. No expense will be spared.”
“I wish they would spare some expense. I mean, is all this really necessary?”
– Laid back guy who apparently is soft on crime
“I wonder if the sibling rivalry will be resolved by Turkey Day,” said a local man with too much time on his hands, who apparently is the type of person who calls Thanksgiving ‘Turkey Day.’ “If it is resolved by then, let’s hope further arguments don’t lead to a truly messy holiday. You know, because of all the food throwing and such.”
