Teacher’s Fart-Related Antics Get Him Arrested

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

FLORENCE, S.C. — It’s getting towards the end of September. That means that for many a student, the whole fun, new back-to-school feeling has worn off and given way to homework and tests and everything else that goes with it, leading a lot of them to realize something: school stinks. For one school, however, the school really did stink, with a mysterious odor haunting the halls of a Florence high school from mid-August until recently, when the source of the issue was discovered – a teacher’s assistant and a can of fart spray. 

Alexander Lewis, who probably should know better by now, is (or perhaps was) a 32-year-old teacher’s assistant at the school. He allegedly bought the fart spray online, took it to school, and opened up a can of whoop-ass. And by that, we mean, sprayed it on several occasions. Farts are generally seen as funny, but maybe not when they’re bought off the internet. Also, not when they literally make people sick. 

There were enough complaints from teachers and students about the odor that local ABC affiliate WPDE took some time away from not airing Jimmy Kimmel’s show to run a story on the smelly school. One parent said that her son was having headaches. A student, probably not the same one whose mom complained, said he was physically sick from the smell, with teachers covering their noses. As for Lewis, when asked about the odor, he most likely said, “I don’t smell anything; maybe you smell.”

Instead of asking students and teachers if they’d maybe bought fart spray into school or had gone a little heavy on the beans and cabbage the night before, the school instead spent about $55,000 on inspections and repairing the air conditioning, which must have been where Lewis sprayed it on one occasion. There’s no word on how the guy spraying something that smelled like someone busting ass got busted, but perhaps once the school finishes airing itself out, maybe they’ll air some more info.

As for Lewis, he was arrested and charged with disturbing schools (non-student) and malicious injury to property with a value of $10,000 or more. Shouldn’t that be malodorous injury to property? ABC reached out to Lewis’ brother, who said Alexander wasn’t interested in making any comments at the time. Meanwhile, his brother is currently at Florence County Jail, where he’s being held on $9,090 bond and probably asking his cellmates to pull his finger. Also, many Florence high school students are probably looking up “fart spray” online, saying that they finally learned something from a teacher’s assistant.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.