Thieves Steal $7,000 Worth of Labubu Dolls. Boomers Ask, “What’s a Labubu?”

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

LOS ANGELES — In a daring pre-dawn raid Wednesday, a gang of masked thieves proved that in California, not even your nightmare-inducing collectible monster plushies are safe. Security footage shows the crew breaking into a La Puente toy store with the kind of precision usually reserved for heists involving diamonds, gold, or at least PlayStation 5s. Instead, they made off with $7,000 worth of Labubu dolls.

For the uninitiated, Labubu dolls are small, bug-eyed, fanged creatures designed by Hong Kong artist Kasing Lung and adored by collectors who are apparently okay with sleeping in the same room as something that looks like it might eat their souls. 

Authorities say the getaway car was a stolen Toyota Tacoma, which was found abandoned nearby, presumably because even criminals have some dignity, and nothing says “arrest me” like fleeing the scene in a beige 2004 carrying three plush goblin corpses.

The store, One Stop Sales, reports that the thieves wiped out the entire inventory and trashed the place. Surveillance footage shows the suspects in hoodies and face masks, rifling through shelves with the speed and desperation of someone trying to find the last clean spoon in a college apartment. Boxes were hauled away, presumably bound for eBay, black-market collectible fairs, or a really unsettling pillow fort.

“We are still in shock,” the store posted on Instagram, adding that the “Labubu community,” which apparently exists, should keep an eye out for suspicious listings. The store also advises that if the seller describes the item as “haunted,” “teeth intact,” or “still smells like crime,” you might want to call the cops.

The LA County Sheriff’s Department is investigating, but admits they have limited leads. Police sketch artists have been given a still from the footage and told to “just draw a hooded guy who looks like he doesn’t have $7,000 worth of plush monsters yet.”

If you have any information, please contact authorities. Or, if you’re a collector, maybe just buy your toothy gremlins from a reputable source before your next purchase comes with free felony charges.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.