Ukraine’s National Police Lists Seagal Alongside Kim Jong Un and Assad as Illegal Arms Recipient

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Ukraine’s National Police on Tuesday announced the dismantling of a cross-border arms-smuggling ring. In the middle of an otherwise serious press release listing dictators, war criminals, and Kremlin propaganda hosts, they included the name Steven Seagal, who placed eighth on the list. Eighth. Behind the dictator of North Korea, the dictator of Syria, two Russian foreign ministers, the mayor of Moscow, and Ramzan Kadyrov, but ahead of a singer named Yulia and the guy who runs Kremlin TV. Seagal received a “trophy” weapon from Denis Pushilin, the Moscow-installed leader of the so-called Donetsk People’s Republic, in what Ukrainian authorities are characterizing as an organized arms-trafficking operation.

The weapons in question were either stolen from occupied Ukrainian territory or imported illegally from Slovakia, where Glock pistols chambered for Flaubert munitions had been smuggled in and converted to fire standard combat calibers. The pistols were then handed out to senior Russian officials, distributed to illegal armed groups, sold to criminals, and given to Steven Seagal, in what is technically the same sentence. Police described the recipient list as “odious.” The remaining members of the recipient list were unavailable for comment on account of being dictators. Seagal was unavailable for comment on account of being Steven Seagal.

The transaction itself appears to have followed the established Donetsk awards ceremony format, in which Pushilin distributes stolen handguns to visiting dignitaries the way a regional Lions Club distributes commemorative plaques. Seagal, who took Russian citizenship in 2016, joined a Kremlin political party in 2021, and visited the Olenivka prison ruins in 2022 to film a documentary blaming Ukraine for the deaths of its own POWs, has been a fixture of the Pushilin circuit for years. He was reportedly Marked for Death, On Deadly Ground, and Above the Law, in that order, before settling into his current role as Out for a Quick Buck. The Donetsk separatist administration confirmed the gift was awarded for distinguished service. Service to whom remains a matter of legal interpretation.

Ukrainian investigators traced the smuggling network through Poland, where Ukrainian citizens attempting to ferry the converted weapons across the border were detained in January with the help of Polish authorities. The April follow-up operation, code-named “Black Sleeve,” produced 90 firearms, seven grenade launchers, anti-tank mines, 35,000 rounds of ammunition, and one light armored vehicle described as a “Tiger.” None of the seized hardware was traced to Seagal personally, although authorities note that he is seventy-four years old, has trouble standing, and probably could not lift a TM-62M anti-tank mine without a meaningful pre-mine stretching routine first, and probably not even then. The vehicle was reportedly Hard to Kill. Look, we have a lot of movie references here, they can’t all be winners.  

A spokesman for Pushilin’s administration in occupied Donetsk could not be reached for comment, the so-called Donetsk People’s Republic being neither a country nor reachable. A spokesman for Steven Seagal could not be reached for comment, Steven Seagal having long since fired anyone who would tell him no. The investigation continues. Police say additional charges may be filed once investigators determine which of the recipients were active criminals, which were paid propagandists, and which were both. Seagal is expected to fall into a category yet to be named, although “douchebag” is said to be a strong contender.