Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Santa Claus is one of the few trespassers beloved by all. Generally, when someone breaks in and enters your house with a bag, the stand-your-ground laws might be invoked, and that doesn’t end well for anyone. Given that the bag is full of presents for good girls and boys, however, all is forgiven. In fact, milk and cookies are sometimes involved for the guy. However, in Montreal this week, a trio of reverse Santas and 40 others dressed as elves stole over $3,000 worth of food from a supermarket, because apparently they wanted more than just milk and cookies.
Santa Clauses are goin' to town. (Les Soulèvements du fleuve/Instagram)
As if the bad Santas and their 40 helpers pulling off a heist in plain sight wasn’t enough, it turns out that the crew wasn’t from the North Pole, but is instead an activist group calling themselves Robin Hoods of the Alleyways, although they seem more like robbin’ hoodlums. The Grinches struck the Metro supermarket in the Plateau-Mont-Royal section of the city, filling up shopping carts and bags in front of employees, then dashing through the snow without paying. The food was left several miles away, and with the exception of any children who witnessed it and will need therapy for a long time, no one was hurt.
Of course, a shady organization calling itself an activist group will want to make a statement, and the Robin Hoods called this grocery liberation a “giant food drive” in an email to the media. But it wasn’t possible to ask the group directly, as they communicated through another group, The River Uprisings, via the Signal app. At least activist groups are sticking together these days. Of course, it was a political act, according to a River Uprisings spokesperson. “Rents, food, the prices of all necessities are artificially inflated by large capitalist landlords,” they commented. “For us, that’s theft, and they are the real criminals.”
The whole thing raises some questions, however. Why all the elves, and why were they so lackadaisical? Some of them are wearing elf caps, and others aren’t. Also, there doesn’t seem to be a height requirement for these elves, whereas your typical elf is impish and, well, short in stature. Did they sing Christmas Carols as they did it? The people of Montreal deserve a jolliness from people dressed as Santa, even if they’re liberating food from a supermarket.
The Montreal Police Service confirmed the robbery. “The suspects allegedly left the store with non-perishable food without paying the bill. No arrests have been made at this time, and the investigation is ongoing.” It should be easy to track them down, however, as they just have to look for three men wearing red and white with beards. Should stick out like a sore thumb, at least for the next week or so.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
