Woman Caught Stealing 26 Times and Wielding a Leg of Lamb Let off With a Warning

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

HAMILTON, New Zealand — Naumai Johnson, 30, admitted to 26 charges of theft, trespass, and threatening behavior that collectively resembled a criminology syllabus taught by someone who kept getting distracted. The offenses, described by prosecutors as “lower-end” shoplifting, amounted to thousands of dollars in merchandise and at least one incident that required clarifying whether frozen meat constitutes a weapon under New Zealand law.

The crime spree’s greatest hits included an April 22 expedition to Woolworths on Anzac Parade, where Johnson filled a shopping trolley with $256.50 worth of groceries and simply walked out. A staff member’s suggestion that she stop and pay was shrugged off as optional feedback. Johnson continued north up Anglesea Street, pushing her trolley of purloined produce.

She reached a bus stop outside Kmart on Bryce Street, where she began transferring the stolen groceries onto a bus. When the driver noted she had no fare, Johnson proposed a crowdfunding model, asking another passenger to pay. The driver radioed for assistance. A transport coordinator arrived to find Johnson unloading groceries onto public transportation as if this were just a normal Tuesday.

When the coordinator began removing the groceries himself, Johnson raised a leg of lamb above her head. The coordinator raised his hands defensively. Johnson did not strike him, instead returning the lamb to the trolley, possibly realizing frozen meat makes poor blunt instruments or that assault charges carried worse penalties than theft.

As she exited the bus, Johnson grabbed the driver’s cash box, attempting to conceal it behind her back but fooling no one. A passenger alerted the driver and coordinator. They yelled at Johnson to stop, but she ran, leaving the trolley and groceries behind. The empty cash box was later found in the Kmart parking lot.

That same evening, because one theft per day is for amateurs, Johnson attempted a similar operation at the Woolworths in Chartwell Shopping Centre. She filled a trolley and reusable bag with $385.98 worth of groceries. This time, a staff member blocked her exit. After a brief pantomime of scanning items, Johnson grabbed the bag containing $154 worth of groceries, climbed over the anti-theft “shark’s teeth” barriers, and fled. The barriers are designed to prevent unauthorized trolley exits, not unauthorized human exits, a weakness which Johnson exploited.

Johnson’s May 7 visit to Peaches and Cream, an adult store across from the Hamilton Transport Centre, violated an existing trespass order as she’d been banned twice before. When a sales assistant recognized her and requested that she leave, Johnson refused with enough aggression that staff called Hamilton City Safe for help. Before officers arrived, Johnson fled with what court documents describe as a “Playboy branded adult toy” valued at $269.99, proving that some people will go to remarkable lengths to avoid paying for anything.

The October 14 incident at Woolworths Chartwell included the theft of gloves, which Johnson wore out of the store after staff recovered the rest of her haul. On December 10, she visited Briscoes in central Hamilton wearing a wig as a disguise. Staff recognized her anyway and began following her. She fled with blankets, sheets, a suitcase, and various homeware items valued at $659.97, suggesting she was either furnishing an apartment or preparing for witness protection.

On December 15, Johnson visited Rebel Sport at The Base, selected shoes priced at $139.99, put them on her feet, and walked out wearing them, leaving her old shoes behind. It is unclear if the store managed to sell her shoes.

Judge Noel Cocurullo told Johnson the default position was imprisonment, noting that “the community upon which I serve have had a gutsful of people who think they are entitled to steal.” He acknowledged economic hardship but observed that many people face similar difficulties without resorting to systematic retail appropriation. “You are getting a chance,” he said. “Don’t blow it.”

The judge issued a final warning that any future shoplifting would result in jail time, a message that assumed Johnson had been paying attention during the previous 26 opportunities to reconsider her approach to commerce. Home detention begins immediately, pending confirmation that Johnson’s home contains only items she actually paid for, which it probably does not.

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