5 Reasons To Celebrate the 4th of July Even Though Everything Kind of Sucks

1) Day Drinking

We may not agree on much in this country, but the one thing we can all come together on is that getting drunk all day and shooting off explosives all night is the best way to celebrate one’s freedom.

Catching a buzz on a bright Thursday afternoon is exactly what our forefathers had in mind when they put pen to paper on the Declaration of Independence. A lot of people don’t realize that the reason the document is so yellow now is because Thomas Jefferson spilled so much freakin’ Budweiser on it. Classic, TJ!

So whether you’re getting a little sloppy on wine at the family BBQ or you’re on your way to slamming 1776 White Claws at the lake, just be safe and know you’re doing your patriotic duty by getting absolutely blitzed in front of your friends and family. You’ll know you had a great 4th of July if you have an absolutely horrible 5th of July.

2. The Buffet is LIT!

Sorry Thanksgiving, but the Fourth of July is actually the best American food-based holiday. You’ve got hot dogs, BBQ ribs, deviled eggs, and the various 4000-calorie mayonnaise-based dishes that can somehow magically be called a salad, all battling it out in the hot sun for a spot in your stomach.

Over 150 million hot dogs will be consumed this year on the 4th of July, and that’s just at my house alone. Eating a disgusting amount of hot dogs on the 4th of July is such a rite of passage that we, as a nation, even declare someone a WINNER for doing it.

If you don’t believe me, guess what? The Caesar Salad turns 101 years old today. It’s having a birthday too, but does anyone give a rip?

Hell no! Salad is just about as popular on the 4th of July as Bin Laden. Get it outta here!

3. The Fashions are INSANE!

4th of July fashion is enough to make Anna Wintour weep, and not tears of joy. Cry all you want, lady; these colors don’t run. (Unless you wash them on a warm cycle, then all bets are off.)

On this holiday, we respect the flag by wearing it on everything from beer-dispensing helmets to boxer shorts for hunks. If you don’t look like you raided Kid Rock’s garage sale, then you’re not doing it right.

Put on matching flag shirts with your family. Because no matter how bummed out you personally may feel about the state of our nation, you gotta show the world you’ve got Kohl’s Cash and you’re not afraid to use it.

Don’t stop with the two-legged members either. Dog fashions for Independence Day are one of the best things this country has to offer. Why not dress your dog up for the worst holiday of its life, one that makes it feel like it’s in ‘Nam! These dogs may be terrified, but they look great, and that’s a good lesson for us all in these trying times.

4. Fireworks!! (Need we say more?)

Everybody knows the best way to celebrate your freedom is with an explosion. That’s why my aunt celebrated her divorce by putting a bunch of bottle rockets in her ex’s new girlfriend’s mailbox. (Allegedly.)

Fireworks are amazing. Whoever invented fireworks is a hero. I wish I could meet them and shake where their hand used to be. I mean, who among us doesn’t have a single glistening tear roll down their cheek when the grand finale pops off as a poor-quality Katy Perry song rings out in the night sky? That single tear multiplies exponentially depending on how hard it is to get out of the parking lot afterwards.

The problem with a lot of great stuff is that there will always be some idiot there to ruin it for everyone. Same goes with fireworks. There’s always that one neighbor attempting to break the sound barrier by shooting off M80s at all hours of the night.

Prepare for a weekend of waking up to random loud bangs and wondering if that was fireworks, gunshots, or the founding fathers rolling over in their graves. Either way, my dog is stressed. Knock it off.

5. Freedom!

Much like your parents had to accept the fact that you were an embarrassment, today is a day we have to show love for our country, even if it is going through a difficult phase right now.

Many brave men and women gave their lives so we can have the awesome freedom to complain about our country sucking while we rip red and blue jello shots and do cannonballs in our neighbors’ pool. You gotta admit, that’s worth celebrating.

If it wasn’t for today, you’d be sipping tea in a garden and talking in a delightful accent. I mean, that actually sounds kind of nice, doesn’t it? JUST KIDDING! USA! USA! USA!

You may not be feeling in the mood to celebrate Independence Day this year, but it’s not your fault. The marketing is bad. For one thing, the 4th of July has no good mascot. There’s no Santa to bring presents, just a weird overly-patriotic uncle wobbling in on stilts, trying to convince everyone he can get you a great deal on a Toyota Corolla. 

Another thing, it’s on a Thursday. Are we really supposed to go back to work tomorrow with a sunburn, reeking of deviled eggs and regret? I know a lot of us are thinking, if America was really that awesome, we would’ve gotten the whole week off work. George Washington is weeping right now!  

It’s true, things may not be going great for America right now, but just for today, take it easy on the old girl. It’s not easy being a 249-year-old diva wearing horizontal stripes.