89-Year-Old Former CIA Researcher Reveals That Norwegians Are Actually an Alien Race

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

WASHINGTON — A former CIA-funded physicist told a podcast this week that the United States government has quietly recovered four distinct species of extraterrestrial life from crashed UFOs, a disclosure that would be considerably more alarming except one of the four alien species is Norwegians.

Dr. Hal Puthoff, 89, is a Stanford-trained physicist whose résumé includes decades of classified work he is conveniently legally permitted to elude to but not describe. He made the claim on a podcast, which is sadly the modern venue for dropping information that would never survive peer review. Puthoff said individuals with direct knowledge of the recoveries had identified four separate types of being. He clarified that he had not personally seen any of them. It was not clear whether he meant he had not personally seen “individuals with direct knowledge” or the “four separate types” of aliens, but he probably meant both. because he made this shit up.

The four species, cataloged by Puthoff’s longtime collaborator Dr. Eric Davis, are Grays, Insectoids, Reptilians, and Nordics. The Grays are small and hairless and built almost entirely around two enormous black eyes. The Insectoids resemble upright praying mantises, and the Reptilians are scaled, tailed, and stand like men. The fourth category, Nordics, is described by the government as roughly six feet tall, fair-skinned, blond, and “strikingly human-like, often compared to people from northern Europe.” At no point in the briefing did anyone appear to notice that this is also a description of actual Norwegians.

Asked how recovery personnel distinguish a Nordic extraterrestrial from an ordinary citizen of Norway, a program spokesperson said the question was “above my clearance,” then said it was “a really good point, actually,” then stopped talking for an awkward amount of time, then changed the subject entirely. The program’s working identification protocol consists of asking the subject where they are from and writing down the answer. Three subjects answered “Trondheim.” The file logs all three as origin unconfirmed, on the reasoning that a genuine alien would never name a real Earth city.

The Royal Norwegian Embassy in Washington has formally requested clarification on whether the United States is currently holding Norwegian nationals and filing them as alien biological specimens. The embassy noted that several citizens have failed to return from American vacations and that the published description of the “Nordic species” of aliens matches actual Norwegians with a precision the embassy called “concerning.” A consular official added that any detained Norwegians are entitled to legal representation, consular visits, and the working assumption that they were probably just out for a long walk, which the official stressed is the most common explanation for a missing Norwegian and has been correct nearly 100% of the time. If you know, you know.  

The classification has created what one Pentagon attorney described as “a genuinely novel problem,” which in the Pentagon is high praise. Norway is a founding member of NATO, whose Article 5 holds that an attack on one member is an attack on all. If the Nordic species of alien is actually Norwegian, the United States may now be treaty-bound to militarily defend one of the four recovered alien species from the agency that recovered it. The Pentagon is currently trying to determine whether a downed Norwegian constitutes an extraterrestrial incursion or a missed connection at Newark, if not both. 

Sources familiar with the holding facility describe the recovered Nordics as calm, cooperative, and conspicuously unbothered by their own captivity, which investigators first cited as evidence of a serene and highly evolved alien intelligence and later conceded might just be how Norwegians are. In the months since capture, the specimens have reorganized the facility break room, formed a collective bargaining unit, negotiated shorter shifts for the guards watching them, and asked, with some frequency, whether anyone has been outside today and whether it is too late to go for a walk. One specimen filed a formal grievance regarding the overhead lighting. The grievance was reviewed, found reasonable, and upheld.

Puthoff, pressed on whether the Nordic species might simply be human beings from Norway, a real and extensively documented country reachable by direct flight, responded that this was exactly the belief the cover-up depended on people holding. He observed that no one ever demands to know where the Grays are from, which is true because everyone just assumes Florida. He added that the Nordics’ technology was “far beyond ours,” a claim the Norwegian embassy declined to dispute, citing the country’s fleet of silent electric ferries. 

A Department of Defense spokesperson said the United States does not comment on recovered extraterrestrial biology and does not comment on detained foreign nationals, and that the exact overlap of those two policies was “not decided just yet.” The four species remain in classified custody pending a review with no scheduled date. Three of them cannot be located by any embassy on Earth. The fourth has requested a sauna and, per the facility minutes, reviewed and upheld, is getting one.