Crypto Bros Insist Dildo Tosses Aren’t Sexist

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

The WNBA has seen some wild stunts, but until last week, none of them involved a volley of bright green, disturbingly aerodynamic marital aids whistling through the air like the final boss in Mario Kart had decided to go into the adult novelty business.

At least six games since July 29 have been interrupted by what witnesses described might be “equipment for an Olympic sport the IOC refuses to acknowledge” and what the perpetrators insist were “just harmless branded merchandise”. The crypto group behind the stunt, Green Dildo Coin ($DILDO, because of course), says the plan was never meant to be misogynistic.

“We don’t hate women’s sports,” said group spokesman Daldo Raine, wearing mirrored sunglasses indoors. “We just thought it would be fun and disruptive, like in the NFL or hockey. Only, you know… more pink-tax adjacent. If you know what I mean.” The reporter did not know what he meant.  

The group’s self-described “marketing masterpiece” kicked off during a Golden State Valkyries v Atlanta Dream game when a man named Delbert Carver, who looks exactly like someone named Delbert Carver, stormed the court to chuck the inaugural projectile. Carver, now facing multiple charges, says he did it because “advertising on TV costs money and this was, like, way more viral.” He then added, “And also, women’s basketball could use a little spice, you know what I mean?” The reporter did know what he meant, and now actively hates him.

Other incidents followed, including an 18-year-old arrested after bringing his nine-year-old niece to “watch the chaos” and maybe learn about blockchain. Because nothing says “financial literacy” like explaining to a fourth-grader why there’s a glowing latex cucumber bouncing across the hardwood.

Asked about safety concerns, Daldo Raine assured reporters, “No one’s getting hurt. Our dildos are soft, tasteful, and gender-neutral. Plus, we’re not like those misogynistic guys. We’re just saying women’s sports need more… audience stimulation, you know what I mean?” He paused, smirked at his own pun, then wondered aloud if the league would “let the cheerleaders throw them too, since they’re used to that sort of thing.”

The WNBA was less amused. Sparks coach Lynne Roberts called it “ridiculous, dangerous, and stupid,” which is coincidentally also the title of Green Dildo Coin’s pitch deck.

Despite the backlash, $DILDO’s team plans to expand beyond basketball. “We’re thinking high-traffic events,” said Daldo Raine, “like baseball games, music festivals, maybe political rallies. You know, places where people will understand this is a celebration of freedom, not sexism. If you know what I mean?”

Then, without prompting, he added, “Some of my best friends are women. I don’t know their names exactly, but they’ve totally liked my posts before.”

If history is any guide, Green Dildo Coin will probably implode in two months after a liquidity rug-pull. But for now, the crypto bros remain committed to their mission: revolutionizing finance, disrupting sports, and proving loudly, constantly, and accidentally that they have absolutely no idea what misogyny actually is.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.