French Teens Riot in Paris Over Free Chicken Promo

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

An influencer event in Paris went exactly as expected: 3,000 people showed up for free chicken and ended up instead inventing a new genre of French street theater called riot à la carte.

It began innocently enough. Krousty Sabaidi, a place that sounds like a knockoff SpongeBob reference, but French, opened a new location in Châtelet-Les Halles and decided to partner with French influencer Fares Salvatore to celebrate. The influencer in question, Fares Salvatore, has 3.4 million Snapchat followers and half a million on Instagram, which means he’s legally obligated to destroy at least one European capital before 2030.

Salvatore, who probably calls himself a “visionary,” which is bold for someone whose main skill is yelling at salads in vertical video, promised the first 1,000 fans free chicken and rice. And also the chance to win a trip to the Dominican Republic for the grand finale of his “Influence Games,” which we assume involves a jury of fellow influencers deciding your fate based on who has the most symmetrical face and the least visible pores. “Influence Games” also sounds like The Hunger Games if Katniss wore ring lights and complained about algorithms.

3,000 teenagers descended on Châtelet-Les Halles like pigeons spotting an abandoned baguette. Naturally, once fans realized only 1,000 meals existed and none of them were getting fed or TikTok famous, all hell broke loose. Projectiles were launched. Police clashed with swarms of teenagers. Authorities called the scene “pathetic,” which is also the working title of most influencer documentaries. Three people were arrested, which is impressive considering the other 2,997 were sprinting in all directions like… somethings with their heads cut off. Give me a minute, it will come to me. 

Krousty Sabaidi issued an apology so full of corporate-speak you could hear the sweat pooling on their PR intern’s keyboard. They said they were expecting “joy and conviviality,” which is French for “we hoped this would go viral for the right reasons and not end up as a training video for law enforcement.” They promised the free meals would still be given out later, although next time they’ll probably announce it through semaphore flags and a hidden Discord link.

Fares Salvatore later said he was “glad” the event was cancelled, which is what you say when your event turns into a live-action remake of Lord of the Flies with teenagers using a whole chicken as the conch shell.

Meanwhile, politicians weighed in, calling the rioters “thugs.” Which is politician-speak for “teens who didn’t vote for me.”

Somewhere in the afterlife, Victor Hugo is facepalming so hard he just gave himself a black eye.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.