Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

GREENVILLE, S.C. – Good news, Greenville: your city finally has its own superhero. Dubbed “Greenville Spider-Man,” this teen vigilante has rescued tourists from waterfalls, foiled petty thefts, and established the Upstate South Carolina Expanded Marvel Universe. A chaotic roster of heroes and villains, including a villain made of kitty litter, and at least one Punisher fueled entirely by moonshine, and the fervent hope that nobody at Disney legal owns a map of South Carolina.

Keeping Greenville safe, one waterfall at a time. (prescott10/depositphotos)

According to witnesses, Greenville Spider-Man saw two victims teetering on slippery rocks at a waterfall and immediately went into hero mode, which in Greenville means leaping over a few boulders while tourists fumble for their phones to record vertical videos. “I was like, alright, it’s time to go,” Greenville Spider-Man said, which is the exact same line your uncle says before sprinting for the bathroom after a Bojangles’ family meal box.

Just when it looked like natural selection was about to make two new TikTok memorial accounts, Greenville Spider-Man swooped in, by which we mean “hopped rocks like a Frogger cosplay on Red Bull”, and pulled them to safety using nothing but his bare hands and a bold disregard for common sense.

Greenville Spider-Man, real name unreleased but definitely either “Cody” or “Tucker,” is CPR-certified and patrols the streets by listening to his EMS scanner. His recent patrols have increased after a rash of downtown incidents, including a Lululemon robbery, a bar fight, and the time someone tried to do goat yoga on a traffic light. 

This is not the first crisis for the Upstate South Carolina Expanded Marvel Universe. A whole host of heroes and villains have recently appeared, including the following:

  • The Anderson Incredible Hulk: The madder he gets, the more he insists Clemson could “totally beat the Falcons this year.” He’s fueled entirely by tailgate chili and Fireball shots. Opponents can only defeat him by mentioning the phrase “Strength of Schedule.” A phrase that, this year, will slay any hardcore Clemson fan instantly.
  • The Pickens Punisher: Wields mason jars of homemade “fuel” strong enough to strip paint and melt through bank vaults. Powers up by screaming, “My granddaddy ran a still, and so do I.” Drinks half the jar, then smashes the rest on villains’ heads.
  • Easley Iron Man: Wears armor cobbled together from a lifted F-150, three vape mods, and a generator that only runs if you smack it with a crescent wrench. The generator is powered by sweet tea instead of an arc reactor.
  • Fountain Inn Deadpool: Covers himself in 10,000 synchronized holiday LEDs, blinding foes with a Mannheim Steamroller soundtrack. Yells “HO HO HELL” before mowing down villains in a golf cart retrofitted with candy-cane bazookas. Only fights crime between November 1st and December 26th, then disappears for the rest of the year like Mariah Carey. No one has ever seen the two of them in the same room together.

They may not be the heroes Upstate needs, but they are the heroes it deserves. (makewakandagreatagain/imgur)

USCEMU Villains include:

  • Spartanburg Doctor Octopus: Has tentacles made of pool noodles, duct tape, and one actual robotic arm stolen from the nearby BMW plant.
  • Simpsonville Sandman: Supposedly controls sand, but really just dumps kitty litter in inconvenient places. Once clogged the lazy river at Discovery Island waterpark.
  • Boiling Springs Venom: Fell into a poorly maintained hot tub at a Days Inn. Symbiote powers include unkillable athlete’s foot and the ability to weaponize lukewarm chlorine water.
  • I-85 Thanos: collected all six Infinity Waffle House Hash Browns – scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, diced, and peppered. If he snaps his fingers, half the menu disappears. Mainly the salads.

So that's what Noel Gallagher does in his spare time… (istolethetv/wikimedia)

When asked if the city supports Spider-Man’s efforts, a Greenville spokesperson replied, “We’re just glad he’s not Spider-FloridaMan.”

This is the league of misfits Upstate deserves. Together they form a kind of Avengers: Endgame, except the “endgame” is a bar fight at Sharkey’s followed by a midnight Cookout run. And if that doesn’t scream “heroic legacy,” then nothing does. The villains may be ridiculous, the costumes may reek of Axe body spray, and the lawsuits may already be in the mail, but make no mistake: when half the Waffle House salads vanish, we’ll know the heroes have assembled.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.