Hegseth 25:17

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth read a prayer at the Pentagon’s monthly worship service on Wednesday that turned out to be written by Quentin Tarantino. The prayer, which Hegseth said was given to him by the “lead mission planner” of a combat search-and-rescue mission over Iran, opened with lines from the film Pulp Fiction that professional hitman Jules Winnfield recites immediately before shooting people in the face. Hegseth presented it as battlefield scripture. The Pentagon designated it “CSAR 25:17,” a reference to the Ezekiel verse that Tarantino’s script falsely claims as its source. Only the final clause about “great vengeance and furious anger” appears anywhere in the actual Bible, where it’s a condemnation of the Philistines, who did not have air support.

Hegseth modified the prayer to replace “the LORD” with the callsign “Sandy 1,” converting a fictional Bible quote that was already a movie prop for premeditated murder into a personalized Pentagon devotional. This is the same worship service where he asked God last month to “let every round find its mark against the enemies of righteousness.” Hegseth has been holding church at the Pentagon on a monthly basis, which Americans United for Separation of Church and State has challenged in two federal lawsuits, arguing that the services violate the Establishment Clause and create implicit pressure on federal employees to attend. The Department of Defense has not commented on whether non-attendance affects performance reviews or merely one’s chances of surviving the next round of firings.

Also this week, nine House Democrats filed six articles of impeachment against him, accusing him of unauthorized war against Iran, war crimes including attacks on civilians and a girls’ school in Minab, mishandling classified information on Signal, obstruction of congressional oversight, and conduct disgracing the armed forces. Rep. Yassamin Ansari, the first Iranian-American Democrat elected to Congress, led the filing. “Only Congress can declare war,” she said, “his actions demand immediate removal.” The impeachment has roughly the same odds of success as Hegseth’s prayer has of being canonical, given that Republicans hold majorities in both chambers.

Hegseth was confirmed to lead the Department of Defense by a vote of 51-50, with Vice President Vance casting the tiebreaker, after a confirmation process that surfaced a $50,000 sexual assault settlement, multiple allegations of alcohol abuse including a reported incident of chanting “Kill All Muslims” at an Ohio bar, and an affidavit from his former sister-in-law alleging domestic abuse. It’s a portfolio of conduct that, in a previous era, would have disqualified a person from managing a Chili’s. 

Speaking of previous eras, the last cabinet official to face impeachment was Secretary of War William Belknap in 1876, who took kickbacks from a frontier trading post, resigned before the vote, wept at the White House, and was technically acquitted because a man who quits can’t be fired. Hegseth has announced plans to hold another worship service next month, presumably from the Book of Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine through Twenty-One.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.